My Time

Just about two years ago, I wrote a blog titled Another Time. I wrote it just after my life had changed and though necessary, it was unexpected. This blog was the first time I made any indication in writing that I wasn't okay, but at least initially accepting of that trial. I was distraught and hurt, confused and lost, feeling extremely inadequate. In the blog, I made it seem like I was working on adjusting to the change, when I truly wasn't doing well at all.

Here I was alone, with few friends, struggling in my classes, moving into a new complex where I knew no one, staying a whole summer in Utah for the first time. With friends getting married and graduating, dating and getting straight As, I felt like I was going nowhere. To say I was "in a bad place" was a large understatement for a girl that generally didn't leave the house without a smile on her face.

Though this hadn't even been the start of the low point, only what felt to be rock bottom. Rock bottom being when my anxiety came in full force and depression entered the scene. I hadn't been doing well for months before the change, but now I was completely miserable. 

Every day, I would wake up feeling the same, or more often worse, than I had the day before. I kept pretending things were fine by putting on a face, laughing and doing "normal" things when I was around friends or family. Trying to convince myself and others that I was getting better, but I wasn't. Inside everything hurt because of the depression; I wanted to crawl out of my skin because the anxiety was unbearable.

All I wanted was this "time" everyone kept promising me. This time when I would find my new normal, my new happy and start the new chapter in my life. Doing everything in my power to hasten this, I grew more impatient, unhappy and the frustration with myself, my emotions, my lack of ability to overcome this trial and in the Lord for not taking it away became overwhelming. The depression and anxiety were becoming unbearable and I didn't know what to do anymore. The place that I was in was not healthy. It was terrifying to feel the way I did and I wanted out. I decided I finally needed help.

As strange as this may sound, a complete stranger helped me sort through my problems. I looked forward to being able to ramble on to clear the irrational thoughts that cluttered my brain, making it hard to function with someone that was there to listen and tell me I wasn't crazy. As I was taught to handle my overwhelming emotions and anxiety, my thoughts and emotions became easier to sort through. Life started to seem livable.

I grew to finally recognize that I was doing fun, great and productive things. I was surrounded by people that loved me, people that wanted to see me happy, and were looking out for my well being. I got more comments about how I looked well, healthy and happy, something that hadn't happened in almost a year. I finally was starting to feel normal with a sense that the uphill battle wasn't nearly as impossible as I had thought.

Though the biggest growth came with the realization that I hadn't been relying on the Lord. The One that really was there the whole time to comfort me, aide my patience, listen to my thoughts, and who I hadn't reached out to much at all. I had only begged him to take away the pain, make the anxiety disappear, help me feel normal, and make this "time" come faster. Sure, counseling helped me sort out my thoughts, but it more helped me realize that I had another counselor that I never reached out to. A counselor that could have helped me come to many more conclusions about how to deal with my feelings way before it became almost too much to deal with.

Today, I share this blog with you (one that's been sitting in my drafts for months) because I finally feel like I've found that "time." I've gone through many trials in these couples years, and even continued counseling, reached goals and created new ones. It hasn't entirely been easy, but I've been better because of everything I went through. 

I'm grateful for the difficult, yet rewarding trials that I've been given as they shape me to become stronger and better than I am. I still have my hard days and deal with anxiety, but those hard days and moments only make the good days better, as I recognize my blessings and the differences in my feelings compared to those moments of distress.

I'm constantly finding out who I am and the plan that Heavenly Father has for me. I'm happy, healthy and loved. Of course these realizations of blessings and the strength I gain from trials didn't come til I decided to turn more towards the Lord in all things. Looking to him more has made all the difference in my progress. 19 year old Jensen could have never predicted that I would be where I'm at today. I owe it all to my wonderful family, friends and The Lord.

I know that I'm a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father and He has a plan for me. And though His plans are always different than my own, He knows me, is aware of my needs and is always there to guide, comfort and listen. Without my faith, I never would have been able to see that I need to give myself more credit for how much I am capable of, how much I am worth and that I should never be settling for less than I deserve (And I deserve a whole lot!).

Life is beautiful and I am smiling through it all.

Recent Observations

It's hard to top the view count of the last blog that I wrote. However, I always have something to say. So blog I will.

It's been just about two months since I lost my dear Nana. Still seems strange, not having her comment on every Facebook status, like every picture I post, send funny text messages with attempts to use emojis. It's a happy space that I guess I didn't realize was existent til it was empty. With this revelation of sorts, I've tired to fill the space with a new recent activity.

No, not teaching. Practicum did take a large chunk of my Summer away from me as I taught the most adorable seven year olds ever, but that isn't the activity that I am referring to as that is, thankfully, over. (Longest 6 weeks of my undergraduate career.)

I'm talking about being observant. It's interesting how much you miss in a day when your mind is preoccupied with x, y and z all at the same time. I explain to my readers all the time that I thoroughly enjoy being busy from morning til bedtime but that's changed, slightly.

I've gotten comfortable with free time. I lay on the couch with my roommates to watch movies for hours on end. I will take a night off to snuggle up on my bed to finish a book in it's entirety (300 pages is nothing if I'm determined enough). I go out to get dinner by myself (stay tuned for a blog on this topic). I'm content coming home to clean the house, make dinner, go on a run to come home and sit my apartment alone peacefully. Though, I refuse to say in silence because it makes me extremely uncomfortable. (And if you know me you know, my music is always on when possible).

Rerouting to being observant... On those times when I'm alone, enjoying the Summer air on my bike rides or runs, or when I have more down time, I've come to notice things. The air on a cooler night, almost feels damp on my skin. The rain makes the apartment smell better than a candle could. The more I stare at the night sky, the more stars seem to appear. Just quality H20, water, actually tastes very good. Smiling at strangers just to be nice, isn't so scary. The air in the Mountains is 1. cleaner and 2. smells better.

Being with my friends, I've realized that laughing generally sounds ridiculous but it's contagious so it doesn't sound as bad when everyone is doing it. It's better to be bored together than bored alone, because you at least have someone that cares and will listen to your rambling. You don't have to be good friends to share amazing memories. Filling conversational silence isn't necessary as sometimes it builds a relationship more than words could. Friends don't care if you look like a mess, they genuinely care why and how the mess came about. (Then they will tease you about how you look if appropriate.)

I've come to appreciate the little things, like finding a penny on the ground, or a small gesture from a stranger. It's a pity that the smaller things that are actually pretty grand, go unnoticed because we are so preoccupied worrying about the larger, more consuming life activities such as how are we going to pay for school? Or why didn't that person we like text us back? What in the world are we going to do after college?

Important questions, but sitting on the grass to watch the clouds pass can make those larger items of business seem less consuming when we choose to observe the little, beautiful and less stressful aspects of life.

Well at least, that's what I've observed or choose to believe. Life has been a much easier and enjoyable when I make time to stop my stressing to enjoy the day, people, events, etc. for all that it has to offer.

There's a Woman

There's a woman who came into my life when I was six. I met her at a restaurant with my family, when she showed up with other people who I didn't know. It was a pizzeria. I was told that she was my Grandmother, and these people were my new Aunt, Uncle and cousins. She was to be called Nana. That was that. No questions asked. I was okay with it. They all seemed fun enough, plus I was eating pizza.

There's a woman who gave me a stuffed dog. Mom told her that Dalmatians were my favorite so that's the one she chose. I named it Dottie because I was seven. My creative side hadn't quite developed yet. The first of many saved gifts, each a treasure.

There's a woman who often threatened to feed me prunes. Indecisiveness would only get me those shrived fruits. It was always "Yes, Nana dear." No was never an option, unless it was the correct answer. Rarely was it the correct answer.

There's a woman who always kept us kids busy. We always made Shake n' Bake chicken and fed ducks at her house. Crafts were my favorite, digging through the chest of supplies to find my next project. She taught us nursery rhymes and old songs that I can recite to this day. My dollhouses and hand me downs still there for the younger cousins today.

There's a woman who taught me to be proud of my heritage. She talked about the crazy family ties that I some how fit into, stories upon stories of the craziness. She'll pinch you if you're not wearing green come March, but happily kiss you just for the luck.

There's a woman who helped me acquire my first real job. Yellow Brick roads and dressing up as a princess, making children stare in awe. Walking goats and having a parrot on my shoulder for a week straight. She told me I'd love it there, and she was right. The inner child in both us still hold our magic memories working there close to our heart. Who knew a place called Fairytale Town could be just as enjoyable for adults as it is for kids?

There's a woman who says I look just like a man she once loved. He was smart, handsome and strong. I am just like him, she says. I admire him, but look to her example.

There's a woman who I aspire to be. She taught me how to be creative, independent, passionate about the things I care about, stubborn when it matters, and to always see the best in people. I strive to make her proud every day. I'm honored to be her grandchild. A woman so kind, intelligent and amazing. I love her. She's my Nana.

Not everyone has a reason to cry when they have to complete a family tree assignment because there isn't enough space for every person that deserves a branch. Not everyone has huge family parties where they are the same age as their uncles, and have cousins twice their age. Not everyone is lucky enough to grow up having multiple grandparents, not just the two from each side.  Not everyone has a Nana. Not everyone gets to have this Nana. How lucky am I to a woman so strong and wonderful in my life as one of my biggest role models.


You went and lost your phone so I had to write you somehow! Thank you for being one of my biggest cheerleaders. I miss you, but I'll see you in a week. Hoping you get some sunshine. I love you, Nana.
Xoxoxo

Edit June 5, 2015.
Words cannot adequately describe the feelings of my broken heart after losing this amazing woman on June 3, 2015. I will never be able to explain how much she means to me, how hard I've tried to make her proud, and the amount of admiration I have for her. A 9 year battle, fighting for her life so she could continuously bless the lives of others with her wisdom and grace. I've never met someone so strong and selfless, loved by everyone she met. Those who knew her know how truly incredible she was, and how much she will be missed.

How lucky I am to have you, Nana dear. I will always strive to give you something to be proud of. I have a hard time using the past tense even though you've passed, because as we both know, we'll see each other again. How grateful I am for that. I love you more. xoxo

Students of Room 39

For those that didn't know, I've been student teaching for over a month! This first 60-75, ended up being about 80+, hours of experience is for my minor, Teachers of English to Speakers of Other Languages (TESOL K-12). I've been working at an Elementary school in a sixth grade class, Room 39, with only about 20 students. Sure, I primarily enjoy teaching younger students but this has been especially enjoyable!

The first day I fell in love with the class and the school. I felt at home, stepping right in sync with the routines and helping the students as if I'd been there for months. My fourth day in the classroom, they had already invited me to their class play. Through out my time there, I went to assemblies, danced with them, and even attended Space Camp; it's been a blast.

Now on my last day, to say they were disappointed that I had forgotten to tell them it was my last day earlier in the week, would be a major understatement! They were so upset with me. I'm going to miss these kids, don't get me wrong. However, this student teacher is exhausted. She's happy to hang up her badge and take a few weeks off. Teaching, on top of classes, studying for her teaching license test, work, moving and various other life concerns, has me worn out. It's time for a few weeks of rest.

Between getting to know the students and actually being able to work on their progress, the hours have been extremely beneficial as I've finally have gotten to put the things I'm learning into practice. I feel better about my teaching skills, like I'm actually decent at it. Not only has it all been beneficial to my confidence level, but also have given me plenty to talk about because, in case you didn't know, kids say the funniest things. For instance:

How do you spell your last name?
K-R-A-U-S-E
Are you sure? Spell check says it's wrong.

Do you like chocolate?
No, not really.
How? Chocolate is beautiful.

I'm going to call you Ms. Teacher.
You could call me Ms. K or Ms. Krause. That is my name.
Nope. You look like more of a Ms. Teacher.

*Learning about Heat Transfer*
Why is it that when we touch a hot pepper that it doesn't feel warm, but when we put it in our mouths to eat that it's really hot?

How old are you?
20, why?
And you're not MARRIED? Get on that sister. 

*Working with my Native Spanish Speaker*
You don't speak Spanish, do you?
Hablo un poquito.
Ha. Un poquito. Very very little.
****A while later*****
You lie. You no speak Spanish.

Why do you make me do work?
Because I'm your teacher.
Okay, but really. What's the real reason??

**Taught our Native Spanish Speaker how to say "Try Again"**
Angilu, can you sit at your desk? La mesa. That's the right word, isn't it?
Try again.

Michael, did you come sit by me because I was sitting alone on the bus?
Is yes or no the correct answer here?

*Walking through the halls near the younger grade classes*
TEACCCHHEERRR. Someone was kissing someone in the back of the liiinnnneeeee.

So yeah, this is my life. I love it. I love the kids, even though they say some interesting things. It's fun. But I think teachers should have nap time. And for what it's worth, 20 is not old.

First 80+ hours down, 100s more to go. I can't wait though. Does that make me crazy? Oh well. Just call me Ms. Teacher.

Dumb Luck

Did you know that I'm extremely lucky?

No, I'm not kidding. My life sometimes can be a series of unfortunate events and you can't help but laugh at how ridiculous things can get sometimes for me because seriously, it's hilarious at times the stories about the horrible, no good days that I have. However, I'm actually ridiculously lucky when it comes to winning contests, awards or prizes.

It all began probably on my first day of Kindergarten. Showed up wearing the cutest floral dress that twirled (all my dressed had to twirl), I was awarded "Star of the Day." Moving forward, I'm not an artist, but I always entered my stuff into the fair, and without failure, I'd come back with a ribbon and a prize. I won a separate city contest once, was given a whole bunch of art supplies.

Older I got, the larger the prizes became. I won a whole set of bedroom accessories (alarm clock,  radio set, wall clings, door frame decor) courtesy of Sparktop.Org because I simply pushed "enter."

Bigger and better, I won a premiere screening for Garfield: Tale of Two Kitties, from the same website, with 500 of my closest friends, plus a bunch of gear for the movie. I didn't have 500 of closest friends but I filled that dang theater as much as possible.

Once on my birthday, the tickets we had for a (don't judge) Dixie Chick concert (I was like 8) had our seats blocked off for light equipment. We told the usher and he gave us floor seats instead. I was tiny so we had to move up a few rows, but it was pretty sweet. And that's not the only time I've gone to a concert or show and been given better seats.

And those are just the bigger random things I won (that I can remember.) I'd often just win random small things on top of that. Like my name was almost always drawn when there was a raffle, or I'd be standing on the number they picked out of the hat for the cakewalk. I'm always finding money in my pockets or on the ground (usually then though, I turn it in.) I often am getting emails about random surveys I've been chosen for that give me some sort of incentive at the end. I am ridiculously lucky.

Now, I randomly entered a Digital Storytelling Contest for a class and I received an honorable mention award for a video I created in an hour using an IPad application. I'm $35 bucks richer and I've got another weird prize to add to my lucky streak.

So yeah, there's your fun fact about me for the week. I'm sure my mom could tell you more things that I won growing up, but these are just the few that came to my mind. If you want me to pick your lottery ticket numbers, don't ask. My dad has tried that and it doesn't work. I'm only a lucky charm for myself, I guess?

If only the luck could apply to the rest of my life events, and not just winning things...but that would be asking too much I suppose.


Anyways, I'm now settled into my new apartment. Spring classes are a go as I prep for my teaching this summer. I'm still student teaching for my minor, which has been a blast! No breaks for me when it comes to school, but I'm excited for the adventures that the warm weather will bring.

In other news, less than 8 months til I graduate. I'm signed up for yet another race. I'm planning a birthday trip for my 21st! I've got a bucket list of places to go this summer and things to do. My list of books to read this summer is expanding. Annnd I'm training to do another super cool thing that I'm not quite ready to announce because it's in the works.

So yeah, life is good here living in Sunset Suite in the Bubble. Yes, my new apartment is called the Sunset Suite. Plus, it's number 12! Did I mention that's my lucky number? (:

Not Bad, Just Hard

What is one life lesson that has shaped your life and what advice can you give others from it?

If there is anything that I've learned, especially from the last year of my life, it is that there are never bad days, just hard days.  

Let me explain the differences that I see:

Bad adj: Of poor quality, inferior or defective

Hard adj: solid, firm, and resistant to pressure; not easily broken, bent, or pierced.
2. requiring a great deal of endurance or effort

A bad day would mean that everything went wrong. It was completely horrid and there was no way that anything was even remotely positive about it because it was poor.

A hard day would mean that effort was needed in order to get through. That things occurred requiring you to work through them, and be strong. Also, twisting the definition a tad, you were required to be resistant to pressure as much as possible.

The deciding factor on how you handle your days is your attitude. Crazy things happen, it's life. However, your attitude dictates how you let everything affect you. Attitude is what aids your judgement. It's a given that if you are not in a positive state of mind, you are going to have a difficult time with the tough things that come up. You'll get worn down and distraught by the detours and dead ends that you weren't expecting. However, if you have that positive light in a difficult situation during your day, you'll be better able to look at it head on for what it is, take it piece by piece and deal with it to the best of your ability. By the end of the night, when you're staring up at your ceiling before your eyes close, you'll be able to say that the difficult parts didn't define your day, but instead shaped it, and you.

Going back to the definitions I listed, I'd rather have a day that put effort into, than day that I deemed poor quality due to my unwillingness to see past the negative aspects and abandon the idea of a positive attitude.

Each day is a gift and though it might be hard, declaring it a "bad day" counts it out. Instead by saying it was simply hard means you are able look back and say you're stronger because of it, and learned something as you chose to have a positive outlook. 

Hard days come, but they are what you make them. Choosing to make them a learning experience and an opportunity to better yourself is probably the best you can do when faced with a hard day. In the end, they still have the potential to be good when looking at them in that state of mind. That's the point of life anyways, to learn grow day by day.

Now there is never a day that I label "bad." I've limited myself to using only hard since my days are never bad, because...
1. there was always something that happened that made me smile, even if just for a second
2. I always learn something new
3. I'm stronger each day because of the trials that I face.

 I love my life, even with the hard days, the difficult trials and obvious flaws. Life wouldn't be the same, or as enjoyable if you didn't have those aspects to make you appreciate the things that truly are wonderful, beautiful, and full of so much (insert lovable life qualities here).

But that's just my life lesson. I only hope that your days are good, and if not good only hard, never any that you consider bad. 

Sailing through Trials

Trial
2nd definition according to Dictionary.Com
the act of trying, testing, or putting to the proof.

Everyone has them. Everyone is dealing with something that is weighing them down. Family, friends,  school, health, money, love, and many other of life's concerns burden one's mind. Some trials, not only one person is dealing with. Some are strictly personal. No matter how they are defined or their content, no matter how many you have at one time, again...we all have them.

Oh trials...Aren't they funny things? They cause us stress, pain, and anxiety. Once they are over, we come out confident in our new abilities and knowledge, or lack of pain, stress, pain or anxiety because we have overcome something that tried and tested us, proving our strength.

Yet, we spend so much time crying and mulling over the reasons as to why? Why us? Why now? Why this trial? Why can't it be over? Why can't it go away? Simply why?

Questioning only leaves us with more questions, with even fewer answers. We come back with increased stressed, pain, anxiety and now frustrated with our lack of understanding of the reasons behind why we are stuck with this unfortunate situation.

"God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons that we could learn in no other way.” C.S. Lewis

Without diving too far into my beliefs, trials are given to test but only so we can come out of them wiser and stronger than before. Heavenly Father gives us these trials only to better us. My Heavenly Father knows me better than I know myself. He knows how much I can handle, what I can handle and when is the best for the trial.

Sure, I might disagree with him at the time being. I might throw at Him all the questions as to why this is occurring and beg for Him to make all the pain to go away. He'll ease the pain. He'll walk me through each day of the trial. However, He knows that I will be better because of it.

Grace carried me here, and by grace I'll carry on.

The best way to deal with a trial is to have the most positive attitude possible. We might not be able to smile through it, skip and jump at the appearance over another hurdle during the course, but the more we can, the easier it gets. It helps with the way we respond to things, people, and situations.

If we go in thinking positive, things are going to be easier as we evaluate the situation and then go at it the best way possible. On the other hand, a negative attitude gives us the worst case scenario and preconceived notions. We keeping ourselves from seeing the bigger picture and understanding the situation as a way to grow.

"We can't direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails." Thomas S. Monson

Overall, life is kicking my trash lately. I feel like I'm carrying a stack of books and things just keep getting piled on top. Higher and higher it climbs as my arms get more tired, trembling under the weight. Every once in a while, I drop the stack but I'm not left there to scramble and pick everything up alone. Heavenly Father is there helping me gather my belongings and move along, lessening the load now and again, helping me carry the load so I don't have to do it by myself.

Small blessings, like a class cancelled or extended deadlines occur when I need them most. A shift getting covered last minute when I'm sick in bed. A postman has even delivered a book I needed so desperately a whole two days early. You can say a small miracle, but I say blessings. The little things don't make the bigger trials disappear necessarily, but they make them seem smaller and more manageable. I'm so grateful for the little blessings in my life.

I'm a hot mess sometimes, but life, even with all of it's twists and turns due to trial, is beautiful. Life is good. Crazy, but oh so good (:

Dear Me From Me

Dear Jensen,

2014 has definitely been interesting. Let's just be honest, generally speaking the first half of this year was pretty sucky. You spent it crying and miserable. Thankfully though, you spent the other half making some wonderfully, crazy memories because you were ridiculously busy all the dang time! (What else is new though?) It was a learning experience to say the least. It wasn't the year you intended to have; however, I think you've come to terms with it because I don't know about you, but I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

Well I would have traded a few of the broken-hearted nights, panic attacks and anxiety filled days for a few better moments, for your sake. Those were definitely not a highlight of your year. You were a mess, not even a hot mess. Just a mess.

Unfortunately though, that's when you learned the most about yourself. You wouldn't have decided to go get help unless you had all those breakdowns. You wouldn't have found your new anxiety outlet, running. You wouldn't have learned to rely on your friends. You wouldn't have encouraged yourself to make new friends. You wouldn't have become stronger and independent if you didn't force yourself to pick up the pieces and move on.

Enough about the "Great Depression" of this year though, you've bored your readers enough with those entries. How about those extraordinary days with your Wallies? The days spent in Los Angeles with your best friend? The days spent by the pool with your new friends? The days spent late underneath the stars with your Adventure Squad bros? (Yes it's a link, click on it) What an amazing Summer and Fall semester you've had. You have over 500 pictures only portraying a small portion of a collection of fantastic memories from the last half of this year.

You rocked those days you spent out and about, living the new chapter of your life. You jumped off rope swings. You climbed canyon walls. You shot guns. You stood in front of crowds and performed. You learned how to slack line. You dyed your hair! Who is this girl and what did she do with the quiet, worrisome Jensen that didn't do much of anything past sit at home and play ukulele behind closed doors?

You're a new person. A new person who's a whole lot happier, and more fun. As mentioned before, you're strong and independent. You are bold. You're not afraid to speak your mind. You're fit and healthy. You've got the depression and anxiety in check. You've got your grades up to As. You have a solid group of friends. You have an amazing Church calling. Though, that's just a short list. You've always had a lot going for you, but now you can positively, and gratefully acknowledge it all.

You're killing it, babe. Sure, life was kind of kicking you while you were down for a bit but look where you are now! You took the hand dealt to you, sobbed about it for a while, then ended up winning the round. (I would say the jack pot, but I feel like you have a few more life goals that need to be fulfilled before I can say you've won it all.)

You're starting your last semester of your Junior year, and going to be taking a heaping 19 credits (don't worry, 4 of them are internship credits), and working two jobs still. You're applying for a chance at an amazing opportunity (I refuse to jinx it, so not telling!). And you have less than a year left til you're done with your undergrad, which will put you at graduating in 3 1/2 years.

Your family is proud of you. Your friends are proud of you. I am proud of you. Yes, YOU ARE PROUD OF YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE AMAZING. And you don't lie, so you know I'm being honest.

For 2015, keep up the good work. Keep looking for opportunities that will make YOU happy. Keep hanging out with your crazy friends and making memories. Keep trying your best. Keep smiling. Keep loving life like you are because happy looks good on you, and so does that red hair. (Who knew!?) NO resolutions needed, you're great already. But no matter what, Stay True.

Love always,
Jensen

Ms. Krause?

Rise and Shout!...
This is where you respond with "the cougars are out!"
It's an attention cue for students!

Ask me if I enjoy doing Special Education, I'll tell you I love my major and my career path. It's challenging, yet rewarding.

Sure, I do some pretty silly things. For example: play with puppets to teach students how to break up syllables, or play with IPad apps that are for students with motor disabilities, or today we used props to act out stories in class, a teaching strategy!

All of those fun things, I also am learning some awesome, yet difficult things too.

Guess who can administer a bunch of assessments that inquire about student progress/behavior/cognitive abilities? Can write extensive Lesson Plans in 20 minutes? Teach you how to write any letter of the alphabet? Create a behavior intervention plan? Write individual education plans with structured goals? Oh and my favorite, give sufficient praise for correct/unison responses?

THIS GIRL. And I do it well.

I have the highest grades of my whole college career. I could actually get a 4.0. Though, let me remind you I'm taking 16 credits, working two jobs, have a demanding church calling, do volunteer hours and still make time for my lovely friends...so we'll see if that happens!

I'm feeling particularly good about it all though because school has never been easy for me like others; I work hard for those grades. It's nice to see that I actually understand everything that I'm learning, and have it represented in that sweet A on the grading site. Not to brag, but seriously, I'm good at what I do, or am learning. It's a confidence boost!

It's crazy to think that my whole life, everyone telling me "You'd make a great teacher." "Teaching would be perfect for you." I wanted nothing to do with it! I was convinced that Pre-Med was the direction for me. Well Chemistry went and ruined that aspiring Oncologist dream but that's okay. I found that people really were right. It may not be medical, but it is something just as helpful and necessary. Plus, I LOVE IT!

Only downside is the Teacher Talk. Apparently, I have a habit of talking to my friends, peers or other individuals as if they are my students. Whoops?

"Good Job!" "How does that make you feel?" "Can you explain that please?" My favorite is when I instructed a coworker how to put together the Ice Machine and then she did it correctly, and I said "Nice job, that's right!" In the most teacher-esque way possible, high pitched tone, smile, everything.

If praising my friends and others after they do things correctly is awkward, oh well. Everyone can benefit from a little extra praise, right?

Anyways, life is good. Besides 7 hrs in urgent care and an ultrasound last week, only to determine that I have a severely strained muscle....all is well! (One more week and I can finally be active again) School is keeping me busy, along with my jobs, and my various adventures here in the bubble. Oh and if you see me wearing lipstick, it's a new thing I've started doing since I was Rosie for Halloween. I kinda like it.

7 days til I'm no longer California Dreamin', I'll be flying into my city by the bay to go back to the City of Trees. Sippin' Dutch Bros, eating Taco Truck delicious-ness and driving those county back roads, home with those who I love most. Plus, I'll have my Marley dog cuddles! Man, do I miss my Moo.

Xoxo from the Frozen Bubble

Story of My Life

Two friends recently have addressed something that has been on my mind. One told me "Jensen, it seems like you get yourself into lots of awkward, embarrassing, and uncomfortable situations."  Story of my life, my friend. The other laughed after I filled him in what had been going on lately and said "You're life is so funny." You got that right. Gotta love it.

I post many entries that either explicitly tell the tales of my encounters or that subtly hint to my terribly awkward life. Most of you also know me personally so you have heard stories, or witnessed first hand the clumsy and quirky individual that I am. My point is, you're all aware of the circumstances that I face.

It's not that I put myself in those situations, they simply occur on the regular. I will be having a perfectly average day, meaning that I haven't tripped more than 3 times and I've pushed at least 2 pull doors or vice versa, yet I will still forget English as I'm stuck in an elevator with a cute boy. Or the custard machine will completely explode on me in front of the drive thru window customer. So it goes...

I've fully embraced it though. My day is not finished until I've successfully embarrassed myself or been made uncomfortable. However, I live for these moments. They make my life so much more entertaining not only for the individuals around me, but myself as well. It's a good thing I've built up my confidence in the last few months because life keeps hitting me with moments like these more and more as I continue through the semester. 

So if you're wondering if I have more ridiculous stories for you, I do. I always do.

Raining Tortillas: The scene takes place in my kitchen. Jessica has stocked our fridge full for a ward dinner. Pumpkin pies and taco meat fill our shelves, making our fridge struggle to hold everything inside. 

I come home from church, starving and in a bad mood because it's a hard day. I open the fridge hoping to go for my leftovers and the taco shredded chicken container falls onto the floor, spilling everywhere.

Mary and I start laughing because of course this would happen, the fridge is bursting with food. I bend over to pick up the chicken and BAM BAM BAM. Three huge and heavy Costco tortilla packages tumble from the top of the fridge onto the back of my head, one after another. Mary and I's laughter only gets louder, except now the tears of complete frustration also roll down my cheeks. ALL I WANTED WAS TO EAT FOOD.

Topping it all off. I ran over to a friend's apartment to tell him what happened and get a hug because my day had been so frustrating. I came back, reopened the fridge just to have the shelf on the door BREAK and all the containers fall and some even spill onto the tile. Just my luck.

When I told my roommate Michelle about the ordeal her response: "Oh no! Did we lose any food?" No. "Good, are you okay?" Obviously food is

more important. (Just kidding, but it was a great response.)

In conclusion, I blog about this because it's true. I have these types of stories all the time. I'm a terribly awkward person. I get stuck in situations that people, myself included, just can't help but laugh at because it's ridiculous. So many absurd and comical things happen to me. Why not share the stories with the world? Everyone loves a good laugh every once in a while. And it's more enjoyable when the terrible, awful, no good things are happening to someone else.

More awkward stories to come I'm sure.
Here are two posts about some other entertaining encounters.
Note to Self               Note to Self: Take 2

Enjoy some random pictures that Sam took of me on my phone.
32 days til I'm home (:

That's a cookie in my hand in case you're wondering.

#Blessed Ya Know?

Excuse my hashtags and poor English. Here comes another "My Life is Great" post. So if you don't like happiness...you can actually keep reading because it's not all unicorns and rainbows today. My week was complete crap.

Now I have tried to stop talking about this on the blog, but it's pretty much the reason why everything WAS crap. Guess who forgot to delete the "2 Year Anniversary" calendar reminder? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA This girl. My life everyone. *Clapping pursues.*

This week hit me like a ton of bricks for obvious reasons. I've been doing so well, better than well, fantastic. Happier than ever, loving every minute of my days. I've got friends, great jobs, classes are awesome, and I even have a "crush" again?? (Whaaat? Jensen has moved on folks!) LIFE IS GOOD. But then my heart was like "Oh hey, that reminder was pretty awful. Sorry, you're going to now have flashbacks to your depression and anxiety from over the Summer all week. Happy October to you!"

Okay, the flashbacks weren't too bad, definitely manageable. No complete anxiety attacks and only two quick twenty minute crying sessions. But the emotions and anxiety definitely were present as of Sunday and carried on to ruin about every day. Waking up was tough, and more often than not, did I want to curl up in bed and just watch trashy Gossip Girl episodes. Besides being in emotional distress, everything went really well this week, which I wasn't expecting.

Sunday, some friends ended up coming over later in the evening just as the tears began. Jam session and some laughs later, all was well. Monday, a huge test consumed my worries. Yet once it was placed in front of me, I had no problems with it and I left feeling more confident than I had been all weekend while studying. As a reward, there was another jam session because I got done with class early before work. Tuesday, I had the night off! Tons of homework done, got to go cheer on a friend at Open Mic night and spend time with a sick friend, too. Wednesday, two assignments cancelled so stress level was minimized. AND THE GIANTS WON THE WILD CARD GAME. Thursday, no work again! Time to get grocery shopping done, which a friend ended up driving me thankfully! And I studied til the late hours of the night in the library with a study buddy. Plus, roof top conversation to end the night with more dear friends.

And today, today is great. I woke up to another lovely friend coming over. I read an email that said I was being promoted to Shift Lead at Rita's, I start training next week! I got paid so I could get groceries AND pay rent. I went over to Gym Kids and had a blast with those wonderful students as usual. I don't have class today. Best of all, PARACHUTE CONCERT TONIGHT. My favorite band, third time around. I am stoked. Plus this weekend is General Conference, and I have Saturday night off!

#Blessed Ya Know?

In all seriousness, Heavenly Father was definitely aware of my needs this week. He knew that it was going to be tough with that reminder haunting me but He got me through the trials, and blessed me continuously all week. I was emotionally and mentally overwhelmed, yet everything else got taken care of. I mean, the feeling of complete confidence on a test that I thought was going to ruin me and then two professors cancel fairly large assignments, plus 4 nights off this week and a promotion? I got to hang out with friends multiple times, even have jam sessions? All the while getting a ton of my homework done this week and feeling loved, happy and excited for the coming month, because October is my favorite!Yeah, Heavenly Father loves me. I'm so grateful!

Just because it's a bad day (week), doesn't mean it's a bad life.
Life is good (;

Xoxox from the Bubble!
P.S. 54 days til I'm homeward bound.

Note to Self: Take 2

Remember that blog I wrote a while back about the ridiculous things I'd done in the past month or so? It was full of a bunch of tips to myself so I could possibly, I don't know, be a little less awkward? Yeah. Guess who didn't take those suggestions and is still Awkward, party of Jensen. Why am I such a hot mess? Why do I not learn from my embarrassing mistakes? Why Jensen?

Note to self: If you're going to eat something messy, put a napkin in your lap. You're generally a clean eater; however, the one day that you are wearing light colored clothing, and you choose to eat something moderately messy you will spill all over yourself and have to walk around all day with a massive stain on your shirt and shorts.

Rule #9495: If you're going to walk close to door openings, make sure you don't get your belt loop caught in the door jam. Your pants may just rip, all the way down the side.

Warning: Hiking the Y will just about kill you. You may think you're in better shape than usual but you and Utah elevation don't get along. You still are used to the below sea levelness of California. You will be out of breath after 4 switchbacks. Pro-tip: YOU HATE THAT HIKE SO DON'T DO IT AGAIN.

Note to Self: Walking is not your expertise. Don't forget that if you stop focusing on your feet, the only place you'll be going is flat on your face, in front of a huge crowd of people most likely.

Rule #1299: Don't say you'll go on dates with complete strangers. Blind dates are fine, but complete strangers? You may have a cute, pink bottle of pepper spray but that does not make going on dates with strangers acceptable or safe. Just say no. Or else they will continue to text and call you until you pick up your phone.

Note to Self: If you decide to not wash your hair in the morning, make sure that you don't have any feathers in your hair when you come up to campus for the day. No one will tell you that you have some extra decorations hiding in your pony tail.

BEWARE: The custard machine has a vendetta against you. Clean up yourself after it explodes on you, or else you'll look stupid with spots of custard freckling your face. Pro-Tip: Don't bother wearing make up on custard night. It's that bad.

Note to Self: When you put ID cards or even your ROC pass in your back pocket, it will fall out because your skinny jeans hate you. This will cause you to have a minor panic attack as you scramble around trying to find missing card. Pro-tip:  Put the card back in your handy dandy wallet to keep from losing it.

Rule #3488: STAY AWAY FROM FLOOR AIR VENTS. THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND. Unless you want everyone to see your underwear on Sundays, just steer clear of them.

Note to Self: If a cute boy is flirting with you through the drive thru. Don't egg him on. Seriously, he doesn't need a confidence booster. He probably flirts with any food service cutie. Shut him down. It'll be more entertaining, for you and the others that are on the headsets.

Warning: On that note, the drive-thru windows go both ways. Everyone can see you dancing if you're jamming out while taking an order. They will comment on your sweet moves once you take their payment and you will turn bright pink in embarrassment.

Note to Self: Your lisp is going to get a little worse when you're nervous, that'll make it difficult for you to flirt, be charming, or better yet be normal. You're more likely to be just more awkward.

Rule #1904: If you're going to have a crush on someone, don't tell people that have a tendency to tell everyone everything. Pro-Tip: Tell no one.

FYI: Your phone enjoys sending SnapChats you don't want sent, so just face the facts that your ugly faces are going to be everywhere.

The universe enjoys making me look like a fool. Whatever. Makes life a little bit more interesting when I have a story to tell. I loving being able to laugh at myself. Hope you find my ridiculousness as entertaining as I do.

62 days til CA (:

P.S. If there are tons of errors, blame Blogspot not me. Sometimes it doesn't publish my most recent, proofread draft. I mean, I'm terrible at English but I'm not a complete idiot.

Not So Little Brother

Oh Siblings? Those individuals related to you. They make you laugh, cry, drive you insane. They even break your pinky fingers from time to time. Or maybe that's just mine?

This is my younger brother, Colton, at a whopping 6'3 which I'm sure has changed since June. He is my complete opposite. Besides the fact that we have the same genes, we're both into sports and injuring ourselves in the process of playing them. We're different people.

He's the Redneck. I'm the All American girl. He can fix your car. I can fix your computer. He'll build a potato cannon from scratch. I'll make chicken noodle soup from scratch. I was in Student Government. He participated in FFA. I'll tutor your kids in any subject. He'll coach them on their Pee-Wee football team. He's got his music with plenty of bass. I've got my indie playlist. He just bought a huge truck. I want a Prius (even though my parents threaten to disown me).

We never got along growing up. Of course there were moments, but they were few and far between. Clashing personalities and interests made it difficult to want to be friends. I mean I was the annoying Older Sister, and he was the obnoxious Little Brother. We may have gone to the same school but that didn't mean we acknowledged each other more than to irritate the other. Especially when he liked my friends more than me, and vice versa.

To say we didn't like each other was sort of an understatement. Forced family photos. "Hug your brother." "STOP FIGHTING" "Leave your sister alone." Phrases often used in the Krause household. But as we're gotten older, and especially since I've moved out to Utah, we've gotten closer. Weird how distance does that. And now as I reflect, I guess we do have some more things in common.

We love watching and playing football; he's better at playing, and I at cheering. I did kill it in Powder Puff and he's done a few cheer routines for Homecoming. We have distant music tastes, but will bond over our love for country. We love going on vacation, especially to the cabin in Lake Tahoe. We bond over food: Dutch Bros, Teriyaki, Taco Trucks. We have the same SnapChat faces. We both agree that Marley is the best dog in the world. Best of all, we both think that our parents are crazy.

I guess he's pretty cool. He does stuff like strike poses in our formal family photos. (See Above) He's got a pretty cool new truck, even though it's a complete beater and I don't think I'll be able to climb into it because it's so tall. He tells me about the guys that I should be dating (You should be picky, you'll find the right guy) and I'm always there for advice (Gift ideas especially).

Sure, we fought a lot growing up. I backed over him while driving a toy car (Sowwy Bubba!) and he BROKE MY PINKY.(Noooo, I'm not bitter about my even more, severely crooked pinky) But now, we are decently civil. I mean I still embarrass him, and he still drives me crazy but we had a decent conversation over text last night. And it lasted liked two hours. NO LIE.

Moral of the Story: I'm writing this blog because last night made me realize that, I'm not just homesick for CA, and wishing I had reached out to my family more during my rough summer...Buuuuut. Are you ready for it? I miss my brother. He drives me nuts. We will probably fight more than talk the whole time I'm home for Thanksgiving, but I miss him.

There I said it. Now go ahead and tease me. I know the comments on FB are going to be entertaining. But I felt like it was a neccessary thought to share on my blog. 70 days til I'm home. And I cannot wait. Dutch Bros. on me once I get home, Bubba. Now be safe at your crazy job, and don't make too many stupid decisions in that gigantic truck of yours.

You're Not So Big Sister,
Jensen Leigh

P.S. You're probably not going to read this, but hey. Now you can't claim I never say anything nice about you.

What I Believe

This is my blog, so it's about me. And those that know me, know that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a.k.a Mormon. I usually don't touch on my religion too much. But recently a man named (Elder) David A. Bednar spoke on the power of Social Media, and how the church needs to use it wisely but to our advantage in spreading our beliefs! You can read and even watch the talk here! So I'm taking the challenge that he extended and sharing with you a little of...

What I believe.
I believe in God, his son Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost, a companion that I am blessed to have. I believe in the scriptures. The King James version of the Bible, the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine, Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price. I love them! They're a little hard for me to understand but they are full of great insight and hope. I believe in prayer, and am so grateful for it! I believe that Christ atoned for my sins so that I could eventually return back to live with my Heavenly Father. I believe that families can be together forever. If sealed in the Temple, I can be with my family through eternity! I believe that the Temple is the Lord's House where I can make covenants with him. I'm going there someday! (:

I believe that I am a Daughter of God and I have a divine purpose. I was sent here to be tried, to learn and to become the individual that my Heavenly Father would have me become. In that journey, I have chosen to be a Special Educator because I see a special light in those students which I am to teach. They are such wonderful Children of God that have a sweet spirit that will just make your day! Why not make teaching and helping them a career so I can be around that spirit all the time?

The Church is True! The Book is Blue! I may not be a missionary, but every member a missionary! Oh and to conclude I've been challenged to share my favorite scripture with all of you:

"Search Diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted." Doctrine and Covenants 90:24

#BecauseOfHim I am happy!

Learn more at Mormon.Org or Lds.org

Complete Bliss

I've been trying to write a stinking blog for the past week and a half. I've been struggling to put all my thoughts into words. I wouldn't say it's been writer's block that's been cramming my ability to let my words flow as usual but more because I have too much to say, too much energy flowing.

As I write this, I'm having the hardest time sitting still. I want to jump up right now and dance around to the song I'm listening to. (Elevate by St. Lucia, listen here. If you are Adriana, you will probably not like it, it's "weird".) Anyways, let me paint you a picture in effort that it will get you to understand why I've been having such a hard time...

In movies, just before they roll the credits, you sometimes see the main character look on and smile as the scene in front of him/her portrays the resolution to a conflict, or a happy ending. The camera zooms in on their face and they just look happy and content with all of the events going on around them. Then the screen dims, leaving the audience smiling too, feeling just as happy they too can see that the character has found or is settled in what seems to be what they were searching for. Are you with me so far?

With that poorly described image in your head...Is it too bold to say that my life feels like a movie? Only the credits aren't going to roll as soon as I have my moment. Life continues, and honestly, keeps getting better and better.

I've had these moments where I've reflected on all that's been going on lately and simply been speechless, left smiling stupidly. I am blessed. I can say that I am the happiest that I've been in years. I feel good. I'm stoked for the school year. I've got a fearless attitude that has got me probably a little too confident. But hey, if being too positive is the only thing that I've got against me right now, I'd have to say I'm doing pretty good.

I mean the universe still works against me at times. Awkward moments haunt me: having my skirt blow up because of floor vents and tripping on non-existent cracks in the floor. My inner clutz makes regular appearances: cutting myself on everything sharp and dull, and slipping 10 times on the way down from the Y-Hike. Not to be counted out either, though manageable, my anxiety likes to make appearances every now and again. Life may be good, but that doesn't mean I'm not living without trial.

That said, those things are all okay with me, seeing as there is no cure for awkwardness, being uncoordinated, anxiety, or trials in general. Currently I have 5 bruises, 4 cuts on my hands, 3 scraps on my legs, and a nice long scratch/bruise on my hip to my rib bone from pool ball, I'd say I should win a prize for being a human scab but I don't think that's exactly an achievement I'd like to place on my resume. I'm me, just with a fantastic new attitude and outlook on life: Onwards and Upwards my friends! (:

My ward is great. My jobs are great. My new classes seem awesome. (Side note: I am so excited to be a Special Education Teacher. Not a lot of people get to say that they love going to class each day because they have found a major and career path that truly makes them happy, but I am proud to say that I can, and I LOVE saying it.) I feel like I'm living in complete bliss. 

After a period of trials and a summer of recovering, everything is falling into place, and all I can do is smile. I am so grateful! God has blessed me with so much: a new apartment with great roommates, in a wonderful new ward full of loving people, two great paying jobs so I could earn money while still in classes, a scholarship to enable me to pay for school mostly by myself, all the while save money for a car, friends to keep me sane/(a bit crazy too), a class schedule with all my necessary courses that worked out perfectly with no wait lists to worry about, and of course family that continues to support me even though I'm what seems to be like a million miles away.

The new semester has given me a sense of a new beginning. I'm taking all opportunities handed to me, within my means of course. I'm trying new things, and keeping up with the old as well. I'm meeting new people, and being social. I'm diving head first into what feels like my freshman year all over again, which is probably because I was a group leader of New Student Orientation. I'm not going to let my trials get in the way of what I want to be my best year at the Y yet! 

In summary, I've been too darn happy to be able to write a blog. It's hard to sit still when all I want to do is go out and be busy with all that is going on in life, away from this laptop screen. Hopefully some of my happiness radiates from this blog and rubs off on each of you! 

Wow, this has to be one of my least sarcastic entries yet. Enjoy it while it lasts. I'm sure the sarcasm will return soon.

Here's to the happiness that is a new school year!

Staying True here in the Bubble,

Xoxo

Confidence Boost

Umm hey, I just kicked this last 6 weeks' TRASH. Yeah. I'm a little proud of myself, so what?! I think I did quite a bit that deserves commending. I mean I proved that I could work 2 jobs, take classes, and still have a crazy fun summer. Though, that's not all I did, I grew in the process. The biggest changing being the fact that...
I am confident.

I'm not saying that I wasn't confident to begin with, I've always have had enough to keep me from getting trampled. Buuuut I've always been a little too nice, and the last 6 months, I was knocked down to a sliver of confidence holding me together. I knew that things were going to get better, even when every inch of my body wanted to give up. Even when I was in a bad place, I still knew that things weren't going to be like this always. I was confident enough to hold on to that tiny bit of hope that eventually, I was going to get through the trial, get over my emotions and feel better.

I simply wanted it to be right then, as fast as possible because the pain was unbearable. I was miserable. I was kicking myself for things that were out of my control, and blaming myself for things that weren't my fault. My confidence and self-respect was pretty shot. But with some help, I've been able to find that light at the end of the tunnel and look at myself in a different light.

I am strong. I am able to get up every day and smile because I'm excited about what the new day has to offer. I love going to school and work, hanging out with my friends. I hate not having plans and sitting at home in bed. I don't avoid things in fear that they'll bring back memories. I don't run from my emotions. I take every day head on and face it all with a smile.

I am independent. Not entirely of course, many people have helped support me through this trial. Though, I've shown myself that I can do so much on my own. I can walk to work, to campus, to the grocery store, to EVERYWHERE. I love walking. I can pay for things on my own, even school! I can make my own decisions. It's possible to be happy and single! I haven't been single, for more than a couple of months, in years. I've always been dating someone, so this adjusting to the single life thing, has been an eye opener. (6 months!)

I am beautiful. I've always felt decently comfortable in my own skin, but I really was wearing tee shirt and jeans for a while; I would only dress up sometimes. Sure, I still love my ratty tees and jeans, but now, I enjoy wearing dresses, skirts and outfits which make me feel feminine! I feel comfortable wearing yoga pants and leggings, which I've never been able to do. Plus, I don't find the little flaws on my face bothersome. I'm not wearing make up at all now-a-days. I don't do my hair, I just let it air dry or throw it up in a pony and call it good. I love being able to look in the mirror and say, "I love my body." Not many girls are able to tell themselves that, so I consider myself blessed to feel secure with my image. Sure, I've lost some weight, got a decent tan and am in pretty good shape now, but that's not it. I just feel healthy and happy with the way I look, bruised legs and stupid pimples included.

I am worth it. I deserve more than I give myself credit for. That's hard to say without feeling a tad bit selfish but I know that it's true. I can't let myself get taken advantage anymore. If I want to be valued, then I need to expect to be valued and desire equal treatment from those whom I value and respect. Relationships can't be one sided anymore. I can't let someone get away with treating me like I'm less than I am. That's not okay. I am me; I'm not a big deal or famous, but I'm special and a daughter of God. I deserve respect and kindness, I should accept nothing less.

I love feeling this sense of confidence, it makes me happy. Though, happy isn't the right word. There is no other way to describe the way I feel. It's like this light or warmth, that seems to bubbles up inside me, causing me to smile and laugh. It gives me energy to get up and go every day. To seek out things to do or try. To enjoy every moment of my day. To look to make new friends. To go outside my comfort zone. To feel okay enough to date again, to actually let myself have feelings for guys and feel vulnerable again. To be Me.

I still have my bad days or hard moments, but I am able to get through them and smile later. I've learned so much and have grown. I will admit that I'm not completely healed, but I'm getting there with every day. I refuse to go back to that miserable girl who just worked and didn't hang out with her friends. The girl who was depressed and cried all the time. I am taking all that life has to offer and living it with trials, bad days, and tears included.

I'm becoming the person that God wants me to be. He knows me. I'm finally realizing that He was right, I can/could handle this. He didn't let this heartbreak happen because He wanted me to hurt. He just has something, someone, better in store. He wanted me have the opportunity to grow and become better for that person. He wanted me to be able to find myself again. Trials are tricky little things, you've just got to see how you're going to be better because of them in the end. I'm finally understanding it all as my heart heals. He gave me wonderful people to help me through this, along with his grace. I am loved.

I'm am confident, strong, independent, beautiful, worth it and loved. I am me. And I couldn't be happier with that fact.



Stay True (: xoxo

Homesick

I came here to say that I'm am terribly homesick. And I don't mean like, "Oh I wanna go home, college is hard. waaah." No, I'm completely self-sufficient thank you. Independence is not a problem. I just miss home. California. Family, Friends, sunshine, ocean, good Mexican food, Dutch Bros., Giants games, Lake Tahoe, drives out on the country back roads blasting my music, the sunsets, THE SUNFLOWER FIELDS. I miss it all so much. (Especially Sunflower Fields, I miss the rows upon rows of those tall beauties)

All I want is to go home, jump in the car and blast my music while driving down the country roads with a stomach full of either food from the taco truck or a home cooked meal with my family, sipping Dutch and cruise towards the sunset until it settles down over the fields. That sounds completely ideal to me right now instead of playing "Utah Weather Roulette."

The last few times I've been home either haven't been long enough, I've had company to entertain or the days have been jammed packed with a time frame to get stuff done and before I knew it I was back on a plane out of there. I want to go home for no reason other than to be home to spend time with the ones I love and to relax. Not have to worry about school, work, running into people everywhere I go, appointments, dating, making plans. I just want to be home to be home!

Weird how I miss Woodland so much when I so desperately wanted to get out of there. I love living here in Utah for school and work, with all my new friends. It really is great, and I'm not trying to convince myself of that, I promise. It's the truth.

I'm just in need of a good visit back to lift my spirits even higher. I haven't been able to find a ride or cheap enough airfare to get home for a weekend now that classes are over and before Fall semester starts. I don't have a car, and haven't been able to find a feasible ride, so I'm stuck in the bubble. Bleh.

I don't think I'll be going home for Thanksgiving. Christmas Break is super short this year so I'll only get two weeks. And then next year, I'll be here all Spring and Summer, finishing up my program before I go into Student Teaching or an Internship (Or even a study aboard HOPEFULLY). I'm going to be graduating college before I know it...AHH.

So yes, there I said it. I would like to go home as soon as possible. I miss it much.

In other news, I have one more final before summer classes are over! I cannot wait for Fall Semester. Tomorrow, I am doing some hardcore prep for it: Buying my books, stocking up on groceries, a cleaning spree of my room, it's going to be good! I have the whole day off tomorrow, besides taking my final, and I'm going to take advantage of that time to get stuff done, plus go play Frolf, Frisbee Golf, with some friends. You have to make time for the fun things in life :)

If you find a magic way to transport me to CA free of charge, let me know! I'm so down for any mode at this rate as long as I get to go home for a bit. Or if anyone wants to just take a road trip, let me know!

Pardon Me

Recap: My birthday was fantastic! I had such a great time celebrating my two decades and ringing in a new year with my friends and even some (sorta) family! I was busy the whole weekend and exhausted by the end of it. It was wonderful; I felt so loved and special! I'm so grateful for all those who helped make me feel that way and made my day great. Thank you!

Moving forward to something that's been bothering me for a while now, I keep getting the question "What do you like to do?" Followed up with the phrase "Besides work." OR I keep getting the statement "You work too much." "You're too busy." "Do you ever have free time?" "Let's work around your schedule since you're soooo busy."

It's one thing for my friends to be joking with me because yes I am busy! But when people say this with no sense of sarcasm or lighthearted tone in their voice, it bothers me. Not because their correct or because I get offended, but mostly because I wish they would be like "YAY, go you! You're being successful and doing well." "Wow, good for you!" I take these comments as "Why do you do that to yourself?" "Why be so busy?" "You're crazy."

Well let's hash out somethings shall we? Pardon me for my rash words, I'm just a tad bit worked up about it all seeing as my last blog I explained what trials I've been going through...

1. Like I've said before, I THRIVE in busy. I'm better when I have plans. I like to be busy and be taking every free moment doing something with my time whether it be school, work, tennis, hanging with friends or going on a run, etc. Schedules are good with me. I like having free time to be lazy and just make up plans on the fly, sure. But I enjoy NOT spending my summer sitting in my apartment all day and then just going out with my friends that evening, that's not my style. I like to have a packed week and a slow, rested Sunday. I enjoy having two jobs and school, plus all my extra activities. SUE ME for enjoying every moment of my day/week.

2. New Chapters = New Outlooks. After a rough few months of kicking myself, being depressed, anxious and straight up miserable, I decided that I was tired of being brokenhearted and I was going to do all the things that make me happy again. I DID SOMETHING about the way I was feeling. I took a new outlook on life, I don't think that deserves to be looked down upon. Doing things that make me happy, how terrible!? WRONG, that should be encouraged. Happy things for me include school, work, tennis, ukulele, meeting people, hanging with friends and most recently DATING. (I actually really like going on dates, as odd as that may seem) I keep a busy schedule because that also makes me happy. Being occupied keeps me on my A-game since I really do thrive at having a packed schedule. This new outlook of striving to do things that make me happy, has me doing well.

I am showing to myself that this new chapter in my life I so reluctantly wanted is a good thing, and that's the truth. Staying busy with all these things I loved to do once before and am just picking up again, is really having a positive impact on my health in all aspects: spiritual, mental, physical and emotional. I'm doing better than I have been in a while. I'm playing tennis again, I'm making good money, classes are going well, I started running, I'm active in my Ward, I have LOST weight, I'm playing softball for the first time in years, I'm playing my uke again, I'm making new friends and doing tons of fun things! Life is great, and that's the truth. Nothing fake or forced about it. Busy = living life to the fullest!

3. It is not anyone's place to tell me I'm living my life in a bad way. No one gets to say I work too much or that I need to scale down, besides me. I'm doing the best I can, and the only way I know how to. I've always gone 100mph. It's just how I work. The moments that I do slow down, I cherish them. Those moments are my favorite. I know when I need a break, and I know when I need to slow down. I don't need a traffic cop to regulate my speed, I can handle myself. I promise. I'm an adult and I've been doing this busy business since I could walk. I mean this in the most sincere way possible, I really can do this and negativity really doesn't do me any good.

Best thing anyone can do is CHEER ME ON. I rather get commended for living crazy than be brought down about it. I'm proud of myself and that's all that matters, sure. However, it never hurts to get a little encouragement from those whom I surround myself with. And hey, instead of bashing my schedule try to keep up, promise you won't get bored. My crazy life is always interesting, and fun. Really, it is. I love life. I'm still having hard days, and some passing thoughts, but that's okay because those are just true things.

The TRUTH is that I'm loved. I'm beautiful. I am confident! I'm doing fantastic in all that I have going on. I'm going to my dream school. I'm busy doing all these happy things that I love! I have an amazing family and wonderful friends. I am a Daughter of God. I am so much more than a hard day and a few negative feelings. Negative thoughts don't come from God, so they aren't true!

Go me! I'm twenty! Classes are over! Softball tournament is so close, I can smell the new t shirt! I've got a nice tan from my summer of tennis. Finals end Wednesday. I'm going to be a New Student Orientation Leader. I'm going to buy my Parachute concert tickets this week, and a ROC pass. PLUS I'm looking at going to see Bastille in October. (So many good bands come to UT, so little money!) Oh and I think I've found a 5k that I want to sign up for. Life is great, I love it (:

My Little Black Rain Cloud

Many of you know that I've been going through a lot emotionally and mentally, all the while keeping up with two jobs, three classes, a softball intramural team, training for a future 5k, a fun social life and most recently actually going on dates (yay! progress!)

Though, many of you also know me well enough to know that I THRIVE in busy. If I'm too busy to sit down and watch a few episodes of my favorite show, then it's been a good day. I might get stressed, and if I forget to eat some where in between one thing and the other I'm kind of the worst, but I LOVE BUSY. I love having a purpose. I love having a schedule. I love having plans. I love love love not having free time. Weird, right? Silence, sitting still, being bored...that makes me anxious. There is always something/someone I can listen to, something I can do or someone to occupy my time. I go 100 mph or not at all.

My life is a ball of crazy, but again...I LOVE IT.

But moving forward, I've come to the realization, with some help, that at first I was doing all of these things for the wrong reasons. I was going nonstop as a coping mechanism in order to run from my feelings that wouldn't go away. Feelings that had been sticking around for a little too long. Being busy 24/7 was a way to focus on something other than feeling the way I was. It was sorta miserable.

Well I'm writing to tell you that I'm not doing that anymore, at least not as much (it's a day to day thing). I was putting on a happy face because that was what I was telling myself was the best way of handling my unfortunate event. I would just stay super busy so I wouldn't be able focus on anything but the craziness that was going on outside my brain. No one would worry about me, and the feelings would go away. As you can imagine, that didn't work out too well. All of those feelings caught up with me a few weeks ago, I've had to do something about them and now, I'm here telling you my new plan of action.

New plan: I am taking those feelings and not letting them define me. They aren't me, they are simply part of me. They aren't permanent, they go away. Instead of letting this rain cloud engulf me, I'm acknowledging it, letting the rain fall, and waiting for the sky to clear up. I might get a little wet, and it might suck for a bit but it's NOT PERMANENT. The sun always comes out and good things come from rain, eventually. I am not my feelings. I am Jensen feeling feelings. That's okay.

I'm staying busy because those things that have ultimately consumed my life make me HAPPY. Plus, I had been putting off things that make me happy for about two years and that's not okay. Tennis, ukulele, softball, my friends, even family, making extra time for my studies, running, work. I am taking all of these things which I love and are necessary and giving them my all. Without the things I value in my life, what is there? And why do them just to avoid thinking bad thoughts? Do them for FUN! Because they make me HAPPY. Sure, they sure do help release stress and negative energy, but I gain positive energy and thoughts from them. 

So to sum it up, I was sad, and still am sometimes. I was living a crazy life because it helped me focus on things other than my feelings. Though feelings demand to be felt and they caught up with me. I hit the bottom only to find that I needed to get back on a path to make my way to the top again. I'm living crazy because I'm good at it, it makes me happy and I'm being successful! I'm letting my feelings come as they please, and I'm feeling them because not feeling them is not okay.

But hey, don't worry about me everyone. Giving up was/is never an option for Ms. Jensen Leigh. I have too many people looking up to me, proud of me and so many that would love to see me fail. I got to prove the good ones right and the wrong ones wrong. And most importantly, I have to prove to myself that I can do it. That's all that matters.

God doesn't give hard trials to those who He doesn't think can handle it. Apparently, He has a lot of faith in me. Just have to restore the faith in myself I guess!

To end: My favorite author once wrote, "Pain demands to be felt." And now that I'm doing that, "I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend." Oh John Green, why'd you have to make a character like Augustus Waters? I'm in love with fictional character from a book. Blaaah. My life, everyone. Never dull.

Staying True here in the Bubble. xoxo

Note to Self

Note to Self: Don't stand over the AC vent on the floor if you're wearing a skirt and there is even the slightest chance that someone will turn the air on. You will pull your own personal Marilyn Monroe and everyone will laugh at you, whether they saw your spandex or not.

Note to self: You can't sleep without a blanket. Remember that the next time you fall asleep wearing a sweatshirt. You will wake up dying of heat exhaustion and dehydration. Protip: Keep a bottle of water next to your bed.

Rule #3940: If you really like a boy, act like a normal person. Get over your nerves and SPEAK. English is your first language, don't resort to gibberish. You can use your words, SPIT IT OUT.

Warning: Whenever you feel there is any pressure, your voice goes up like seven octaves. Whether it be when you are at work, talking in class or even to a boy. You sound like a little girl again. It's a little annoying.

Note to self: Hit the tennis ball, not your knee with your tennis racket.

Note to self: You're a cute girl. But when your mascara leaves you with raccoon eyes in the morning and you forget about it, your cute factor gets turned down a few notches. Protip: Wash your face before your early morning work shifts, or at night.

Warning: Your hair doesn't dry well if you sleep on it. Unless you want to look like Alfalfa, take a shower in the morning.

FYI: Doors open 'Push' mean you have to PUSH them, not pull. There will be someone watching you as you try to open or exit said door and they will awkwardly try not to laugh at you but you will still hear their snort.

Note to self: Most artificially colored candies, desserts or foods will leave your mouth stained a certain color. Refrain from eating said items on dates.

Beware: Apparently you look younger than you are or you are attractive to minors. EFY boys will pass you and give you the "Call me" sign. Smile, keep your disgusted face to yourself and walk, or run, away.

Note to self: Cinder block walls are not your cuddle buddy. They are not forgiving when you smack your head into them in the middle of the night. They could care less if you silently curse them as you try to get comfortable again. Protip: Turn over and hug your pillow, it won't cuddle you back but at least it is soft.

Rule #2385: Don't attempt something that you can't 100% guarantee you won't screw up and make a fool of yourself, especially in front of people you barely know or that you are trying to impress.

Warning: Your razor is sharp. If you oversleep on Sundays before church, don't shave your legs. You will either take too long and be verrrry late to church, or you will try to shave too fast and cut yourself a dozen times. Your legs covered in cuts and bandages looks just as bad as a little stubble.

Note to self: Jensen, face it. You're awkward. You're a clutz. You're a hot mess sometimes. The Universe is sometimes out to get you. But that's okay. Someone will love you for all your quirks one day. Then all will be right in the world. If you're lucky, you'll get someone that is just as awkward as you. Then you can laugh at each other and compare bruises. Oh, life.

Oh, I wonder what you are all thinking....My last few weeks have been crazy so I thought I'd share some wisdom with you but also a little insight into the things that make my life so much more interesting. Pictures are from my trip home! (:


25 days til my birthday!!!!!!!! Not that I'm excited or anything....