Dear Me From Me

Dear Jensen,

2014 has definitely been interesting. Let's just be honest, generally speaking the first half of this year was pretty sucky. You spent it crying and miserable. Thankfully though, you spent the other half making some wonderfully, crazy memories because you were ridiculously busy all the dang time! (What else is new though?) It was a learning experience to say the least. It wasn't the year you intended to have; however, I think you've come to terms with it because I don't know about you, but I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

Well I would have traded a few of the broken-hearted nights, panic attacks and anxiety filled days for a few better moments, for your sake. Those were definitely not a highlight of your year. You were a mess, not even a hot mess. Just a mess.

Unfortunately though, that's when you learned the most about yourself. You wouldn't have decided to go get help unless you had all those breakdowns. You wouldn't have found your new anxiety outlet, running. You wouldn't have learned to rely on your friends. You wouldn't have encouraged yourself to make new friends. You wouldn't have become stronger and independent if you didn't force yourself to pick up the pieces and move on.

Enough about the "Great Depression" of this year though, you've bored your readers enough with those entries. How about those extraordinary days with your Wallies? The days spent in Los Angeles with your best friend? The days spent by the pool with your new friends? The days spent late underneath the stars with your Adventure Squad bros? (Yes it's a link, click on it) What an amazing Summer and Fall semester you've had. You have over 500 pictures only portraying a small portion of a collection of fantastic memories from the last half of this year.

You rocked those days you spent out and about, living the new chapter of your life. You jumped off rope swings. You climbed canyon walls. You shot guns. You stood in front of crowds and performed. You learned how to slack line. You dyed your hair! Who is this girl and what did she do with the quiet, worrisome Jensen that didn't do much of anything past sit at home and play ukulele behind closed doors?

You're a new person. A new person who's a whole lot happier, and more fun. As mentioned before, you're strong and independent. You are bold. You're not afraid to speak your mind. You're fit and healthy. You've got the depression and anxiety in check. You've got your grades up to As. You have a solid group of friends. You have an amazing Church calling. Though, that's just a short list. You've always had a lot going for you, but now you can positively, and gratefully acknowledge it all.

You're killing it, babe. Sure, life was kind of kicking you while you were down for a bit but look where you are now! You took the hand dealt to you, sobbed about it for a while, then ended up winning the round. (I would say the jack pot, but I feel like you have a few more life goals that need to be fulfilled before I can say you've won it all.)

You're starting your last semester of your Junior year, and going to be taking a heaping 19 credits (don't worry, 4 of them are internship credits), and working two jobs still. You're applying for a chance at an amazing opportunity (I refuse to jinx it, so not telling!). And you have less than a year left til you're done with your undergrad, which will put you at graduating in 3 1/2 years.

Your family is proud of you. Your friends are proud of you. I am proud of you. Yes, YOU ARE PROUD OF YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE AMAZING. And you don't lie, so you know I'm being honest.

For 2015, keep up the good work. Keep looking for opportunities that will make YOU happy. Keep hanging out with your crazy friends and making memories. Keep trying your best. Keep smiling. Keep loving life like you are because happy looks good on you, and so does that red hair. (Who knew!?) NO resolutions needed, you're great already. But no matter what, Stay True.

Love always,
Jensen

Ms. Krause?

Rise and Shout!...
This is where you respond with "the cougars are out!"
It's an attention cue for students!

Ask me if I enjoy doing Special Education, I'll tell you I love my major and my career path. It's challenging, yet rewarding.

Sure, I do some pretty silly things. For example: play with puppets to teach students how to break up syllables, or play with IPad apps that are for students with motor disabilities, or today we used props to act out stories in class, a teaching strategy!

All of those fun things, I also am learning some awesome, yet difficult things too.

Guess who can administer a bunch of assessments that inquire about student progress/behavior/cognitive abilities? Can write extensive Lesson Plans in 20 minutes? Teach you how to write any letter of the alphabet? Create a behavior intervention plan? Write individual education plans with structured goals? Oh and my favorite, give sufficient praise for correct/unison responses?

THIS GIRL. And I do it well.

I have the highest grades of my whole college career. I could actually get a 4.0. Though, let me remind you I'm taking 16 credits, working two jobs, have a demanding church calling, do volunteer hours and still make time for my lovely friends...so we'll see if that happens!

I'm feeling particularly good about it all though because school has never been easy for me like others; I work hard for those grades. It's nice to see that I actually understand everything that I'm learning, and have it represented in that sweet A on the grading site. Not to brag, but seriously, I'm good at what I do, or am learning. It's a confidence boost!

It's crazy to think that my whole life, everyone telling me "You'd make a great teacher." "Teaching would be perfect for you." I wanted nothing to do with it! I was convinced that Pre-Med was the direction for me. Well Chemistry went and ruined that aspiring Oncologist dream but that's okay. I found that people really were right. It may not be medical, but it is something just as helpful and necessary. Plus, I LOVE IT!

Only downside is the Teacher Talk. Apparently, I have a habit of talking to my friends, peers or other individuals as if they are my students. Whoops?

"Good Job!" "How does that make you feel?" "Can you explain that please?" My favorite is when I instructed a coworker how to put together the Ice Machine and then she did it correctly, and I said "Nice job, that's right!" In the most teacher-esque way possible, high pitched tone, smile, everything.

If praising my friends and others after they do things correctly is awkward, oh well. Everyone can benefit from a little extra praise, right?

Anyways, life is good. Besides 7 hrs in urgent care and an ultrasound last week, only to determine that I have a severely strained muscle....all is well! (One more week and I can finally be active again) School is keeping me busy, along with my jobs, and my various adventures here in the bubble. Oh and if you see me wearing lipstick, it's a new thing I've started doing since I was Rosie for Halloween. I kinda like it.

7 days til I'm no longer California Dreamin', I'll be flying into my city by the bay to go back to the City of Trees. Sippin' Dutch Bros, eating Taco Truck delicious-ness and driving those county back roads, home with those who I love most. Plus, I'll have my Marley dog cuddles! Man, do I miss my Moo.

Xoxo from the Frozen Bubble

Story of My Life

Two friends recently have addressed something that has been on my mind. One told me "Jensen, it seems like you get yourself into lots of awkward, embarrassing, and uncomfortable situations."  Story of my life, my friend. The other laughed after I filled him in what had been going on lately and said "You're life is so funny." You got that right. Gotta love it.

I post many entries that either explicitly tell the tales of my encounters or that subtly hint to my terribly awkward life. Most of you also know me personally so you have heard stories, or witnessed first hand the clumsy and quirky individual that I am. My point is, you're all aware of the circumstances that I face.

It's not that I put myself in those situations, they simply occur on the regular. I will be having a perfectly average day, meaning that I haven't tripped more than 3 times and I've pushed at least 2 pull doors or vice versa, yet I will still forget English as I'm stuck in an elevator with a cute boy. Or the custard machine will completely explode on me in front of the drive thru window customer. So it goes...

I've fully embraced it though. My day is not finished until I've successfully embarrassed myself or been made uncomfortable. However, I live for these moments. They make my life so much more entertaining not only for the individuals around me, but myself as well. It's a good thing I've built up my confidence in the last few months because life keeps hitting me with moments like these more and more as I continue through the semester. 

So if you're wondering if I have more ridiculous stories for you, I do. I always do.

Raining Tortillas: The scene takes place in my kitchen. Jessica has stocked our fridge full for a ward dinner. Pumpkin pies and taco meat fill our shelves, making our fridge struggle to hold everything inside. 

I come home from church, starving and in a bad mood because it's a hard day. I open the fridge hoping to go for my leftovers and the taco shredded chicken container falls onto the floor, spilling everywhere.

Mary and I start laughing because of course this would happen, the fridge is bursting with food. I bend over to pick up the chicken and BAM BAM BAM. Three huge and heavy Costco tortilla packages tumble from the top of the fridge onto the back of my head, one after another. Mary and I's laughter only gets louder, except now the tears of complete frustration also roll down my cheeks. ALL I WANTED WAS TO EAT FOOD.

Topping it all off. I ran over to a friend's apartment to tell him what happened and get a hug because my day had been so frustrating. I came back, reopened the fridge just to have the shelf on the door BREAK and all the containers fall and some even spill onto the tile. Just my luck.

When I told my roommate Michelle about the ordeal her response: "Oh no! Did we lose any food?" No. "Good, are you okay?" Obviously food is

more important. (Just kidding, but it was a great response.)

In conclusion, I blog about this because it's true. I have these types of stories all the time. I'm a terribly awkward person. I get stuck in situations that people, myself included, just can't help but laugh at because it's ridiculous. So many absurd and comical things happen to me. Why not share the stories with the world? Everyone loves a good laugh every once in a while. And it's more enjoyable when the terrible, awful, no good things are happening to someone else.

More awkward stories to come I'm sure.
Here are two posts about some other entertaining encounters.
Note to Self               Note to Self: Take 2

Enjoy some random pictures that Sam took of me on my phone.
32 days til I'm home (:

That's a cookie in my hand in case you're wondering.

#Blessed Ya Know?

Excuse my hashtags and poor English. Here comes another "My Life is Great" post. So if you don't like happiness...you can actually keep reading because it's not all unicorns and rainbows today. My week was complete crap.

Now I have tried to stop talking about this on the blog, but it's pretty much the reason why everything WAS crap. Guess who forgot to delete the "2 Year Anniversary" calendar reminder? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA This girl. My life everyone. *Clapping pursues.*

This week hit me like a ton of bricks for obvious reasons. I've been doing so well, better than well, fantastic. Happier than ever, loving every minute of my days. I've got friends, great jobs, classes are awesome, and I even have a "crush" again?? (Whaaat? Jensen has moved on folks!) LIFE IS GOOD. But then my heart was like "Oh hey, that reminder was pretty awful. Sorry, you're going to now have flashbacks to your depression and anxiety from over the Summer all week. Happy October to you!"

Okay, the flashbacks weren't too bad, definitely manageable. No complete anxiety attacks and only two quick twenty minute crying sessions. But the emotions and anxiety definitely were present as of Sunday and carried on to ruin about every day. Waking up was tough, and more often than not, did I want to curl up in bed and just watch trashy Gossip Girl episodes. Besides being in emotional distress, everything went really well this week, which I wasn't expecting.

Sunday, some friends ended up coming over later in the evening just as the tears began. Jam session and some laughs later, all was well. Monday, a huge test consumed my worries. Yet once it was placed in front of me, I had no problems with it and I left feeling more confident than I had been all weekend while studying. As a reward, there was another jam session because I got done with class early before work. Tuesday, I had the night off! Tons of homework done, got to go cheer on a friend at Open Mic night and spend time with a sick friend, too. Wednesday, two assignments cancelled so stress level was minimized. AND THE GIANTS WON THE WILD CARD GAME. Thursday, no work again! Time to get grocery shopping done, which a friend ended up driving me thankfully! And I studied til the late hours of the night in the library with a study buddy. Plus, roof top conversation to end the night with more dear friends.

And today, today is great. I woke up to another lovely friend coming over. I read an email that said I was being promoted to Shift Lead at Rita's, I start training next week! I got paid so I could get groceries AND pay rent. I went over to Gym Kids and had a blast with those wonderful students as usual. I don't have class today. Best of all, PARACHUTE CONCERT TONIGHT. My favorite band, third time around. I am stoked. Plus this weekend is General Conference, and I have Saturday night off!

#Blessed Ya Know?

In all seriousness, Heavenly Father was definitely aware of my needs this week. He knew that it was going to be tough with that reminder haunting me but He got me through the trials, and blessed me continuously all week. I was emotionally and mentally overwhelmed, yet everything else got taken care of. I mean, the feeling of complete confidence on a test that I thought was going to ruin me and then two professors cancel fairly large assignments, plus 4 nights off this week and a promotion? I got to hang out with friends multiple times, even have jam sessions? All the while getting a ton of my homework done this week and feeling loved, happy and excited for the coming month, because October is my favorite!Yeah, Heavenly Father loves me. I'm so grateful!

Just because it's a bad day (week), doesn't mean it's a bad life.
Life is good (;

Xoxox from the Bubble!
P.S. 54 days til I'm homeward bound.

Note to Self: Take 2

Remember that blog I wrote a while back about the ridiculous things I'd done in the past month or so? It was full of a bunch of tips to myself so I could possibly, I don't know, be a little less awkward? Yeah. Guess who didn't take those suggestions and is still Awkward, party of Jensen. Why am I such a hot mess? Why do I not learn from my embarrassing mistakes? Why Jensen?

Note to self: If you're going to eat something messy, put a napkin in your lap. You're generally a clean eater; however, the one day that you are wearing light colored clothing, and you choose to eat something moderately messy you will spill all over yourself and have to walk around all day with a massive stain on your shirt and shorts.

Rule #9495: If you're going to walk close to door openings, make sure you don't get your belt loop caught in the door jam. Your pants may just rip, all the way down the side.

Warning: Hiking the Y will just about kill you. You may think you're in better shape than usual but you and Utah elevation don't get along. You still are used to the below sea levelness of California. You will be out of breath after 4 switchbacks. Pro-tip: YOU HATE THAT HIKE SO DON'T DO IT AGAIN.

Note to Self: Walking is not your expertise. Don't forget that if you stop focusing on your feet, the only place you'll be going is flat on your face, in front of a huge crowd of people most likely.

Rule #1299: Don't say you'll go on dates with complete strangers. Blind dates are fine, but complete strangers? You may have a cute, pink bottle of pepper spray but that does not make going on dates with strangers acceptable or safe. Just say no. Or else they will continue to text and call you until you pick up your phone.

Note to Self: If you decide to not wash your hair in the morning, make sure that you don't have any feathers in your hair when you come up to campus for the day. No one will tell you that you have some extra decorations hiding in your pony tail.

BEWARE: The custard machine has a vendetta against you. Clean up yourself after it explodes on you, or else you'll look stupid with spots of custard freckling your face. Pro-Tip: Don't bother wearing make up on custard night. It's that bad.

Note to Self: When you put ID cards or even your ROC pass in your back pocket, it will fall out because your skinny jeans hate you. This will cause you to have a minor panic attack as you scramble around trying to find missing card. Pro-tip:  Put the card back in your handy dandy wallet to keep from losing it.

Rule #3488: STAY AWAY FROM FLOOR AIR VENTS. THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIEND. Unless you want everyone to see your underwear on Sundays, just steer clear of them.

Note to Self: If a cute boy is flirting with you through the drive thru. Don't egg him on. Seriously, he doesn't need a confidence booster. He probably flirts with any food service cutie. Shut him down. It'll be more entertaining, for you and the others that are on the headsets.

Warning: On that note, the drive-thru windows go both ways. Everyone can see you dancing if you're jamming out while taking an order. They will comment on your sweet moves once you take their payment and you will turn bright pink in embarrassment.

Note to Self: Your lisp is going to get a little worse when you're nervous, that'll make it difficult for you to flirt, be charming, or better yet be normal. You're more likely to be just more awkward.

Rule #1904: If you're going to have a crush on someone, don't tell people that have a tendency to tell everyone everything. Pro-Tip: Tell no one.

FYI: Your phone enjoys sending SnapChats you don't want sent, so just face the facts that your ugly faces are going to be everywhere.

The universe enjoys making me look like a fool. Whatever. Makes life a little bit more interesting when I have a story to tell. I loving being able to laugh at myself. Hope you find my ridiculousness as entertaining as I do.

62 days til CA (:

P.S. If there are tons of errors, blame Blogspot not me. Sometimes it doesn't publish my most recent, proofread draft. I mean, I'm terrible at English but I'm not a complete idiot.

Not So Little Brother

Oh Siblings? Those individuals related to you. They make you laugh, cry, drive you insane. They even break your pinky fingers from time to time. Or maybe that's just mine?

This is my younger brother, Colton, at a whopping 6'3 which I'm sure has changed since June. He is my complete opposite. Besides the fact that we have the same genes, we're both into sports and injuring ourselves in the process of playing them. We're different people.

He's the Redneck. I'm the All American girl. He can fix your car. I can fix your computer. He'll build a potato cannon from scratch. I'll make chicken noodle soup from scratch. I was in Student Government. He participated in FFA. I'll tutor your kids in any subject. He'll coach them on their Pee-Wee football team. He's got his music with plenty of bass. I've got my indie playlist. He just bought a huge truck. I want a Prius (even though my parents threaten to disown me).

We never got along growing up. Of course there were moments, but they were few and far between. Clashing personalities and interests made it difficult to want to be friends. I mean I was the annoying Older Sister, and he was the obnoxious Little Brother. We may have gone to the same school but that didn't mean we acknowledged each other more than to irritate the other. Especially when he liked my friends more than me, and vice versa.

To say we didn't like each other was sort of an understatement. Forced family photos. "Hug your brother." "STOP FIGHTING" "Leave your sister alone." Phrases often used in the Krause household. But as we're gotten older, and especially since I've moved out to Utah, we've gotten closer. Weird how distance does that. And now as I reflect, I guess we do have some more things in common.

We love watching and playing football; he's better at playing, and I at cheering. I did kill it in Powder Puff and he's done a few cheer routines for Homecoming. We have distant music tastes, but will bond over our love for country. We love going on vacation, especially to the cabin in Lake Tahoe. We bond over food: Dutch Bros, Teriyaki, Taco Trucks. We have the same SnapChat faces. We both agree that Marley is the best dog in the world. Best of all, we both think that our parents are crazy.

I guess he's pretty cool. He does stuff like strike poses in our formal family photos. (See Above) He's got a pretty cool new truck, even though it's a complete beater and I don't think I'll be able to climb into it because it's so tall. He tells me about the guys that I should be dating (You should be picky, you'll find the right guy) and I'm always there for advice (Gift ideas especially).

Sure, we fought a lot growing up. I backed over him while driving a toy car (Sowwy Bubba!) and he BROKE MY PINKY.(Noooo, I'm not bitter about my even more, severely crooked pinky) But now, we are decently civil. I mean I still embarrass him, and he still drives me crazy but we had a decent conversation over text last night. And it lasted liked two hours. NO LIE.

Moral of the Story: I'm writing this blog because last night made me realize that, I'm not just homesick for CA, and wishing I had reached out to my family more during my rough summer...Buuuuut. Are you ready for it? I miss my brother. He drives me nuts. We will probably fight more than talk the whole time I'm home for Thanksgiving, but I miss him.

There I said it. Now go ahead and tease me. I know the comments on FB are going to be entertaining. But I felt like it was a neccessary thought to share on my blog. 70 days til I'm home. And I cannot wait. Dutch Bros. on me once I get home, Bubba. Now be safe at your crazy job, and don't make too many stupid decisions in that gigantic truck of yours.

You're Not So Big Sister,
Jensen Leigh

P.S. You're probably not going to read this, but hey. Now you can't claim I never say anything nice about you.

What I Believe

This is my blog, so it's about me. And those that know me, know that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a.k.a Mormon. I usually don't touch on my religion too much. But recently a man named (Elder) David A. Bednar spoke on the power of Social Media, and how the church needs to use it wisely but to our advantage in spreading our beliefs! You can read and even watch the talk here! So I'm taking the challenge that he extended and sharing with you a little of...

What I believe.
I believe in God, his son Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost, a companion that I am blessed to have. I believe in the scriptures. The King James version of the Bible, the Book of Mormon and the Doctrine, Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price. I love them! They're a little hard for me to understand but they are full of great insight and hope. I believe in prayer, and am so grateful for it! I believe that Christ atoned for my sins so that I could eventually return back to live with my Heavenly Father. I believe that families can be together forever. If sealed in the Temple, I can be with my family through eternity! I believe that the Temple is the Lord's House where I can make covenants with him. I'm going there someday! (:

I believe that I am a Daughter of God and I have a divine purpose. I was sent here to be tried, to learn and to become the individual that my Heavenly Father would have me become. In that journey, I have chosen to be a Special Educator because I see a special light in those students which I am to teach. They are such wonderful Children of God that have a sweet spirit that will just make your day! Why not make teaching and helping them a career so I can be around that spirit all the time?

The Church is True! The Book is Blue! I may not be a missionary, but every member a missionary! Oh and to conclude I've been challenged to share my favorite scripture with all of you:

"Search Diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if ye walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith ye have covenanted." Doctrine and Covenants 90:24

#BecauseOfHim I am happy!

Learn more at Mormon.Org or Lds.org

Complete Bliss

I've been trying to write a stinking blog for the past week and a half. I've been struggling to put all my thoughts into words. I wouldn't say it's been writer's block that's been cramming my ability to let my words flow as usual but more because I have too much to say, too much energy flowing.

As I write this, I'm having the hardest time sitting still. I want to jump up right now and dance around to the song I'm listening to. (Elevate by St. Lucia, listen here. If you are Adriana, you will probably not like it, it's "weird".) Anyways, let me paint you a picture in effort that it will get you to understand why I've been having such a hard time...

In movies, just before they roll the credits, you sometimes see the main character look on and smile as the scene in front of him/her portrays the resolution to a conflict, or a happy ending. The camera zooms in on their face and they just look happy and content with all of the events going on around them. Then the screen dims, leaving the audience smiling too, feeling just as happy they too can see that the character has found or is settled in what seems to be what they were searching for. Are you with me so far?

With that poorly described image in your head...Is it too bold to say that my life feels like a movie? Only the credits aren't going to roll as soon as I have my moment. Life continues, and honestly, keeps getting better and better.

I've had these moments where I've reflected on all that's been going on lately and simply been speechless, left smiling stupidly. I am blessed. I can say that I am the happiest that I've been in years. I feel good. I'm stoked for the school year. I've got a fearless attitude that has got me probably a little too confident. But hey, if being too positive is the only thing that I've got against me right now, I'd have to say I'm doing pretty good.

I mean the universe still works against me at times. Awkward moments haunt me: having my skirt blow up because of floor vents and tripping on non-existent cracks in the floor. My inner clutz makes regular appearances: cutting myself on everything sharp and dull, and slipping 10 times on the way down from the Y-Hike. Not to be counted out either, though manageable, my anxiety likes to make appearances every now and again. Life may be good, but that doesn't mean I'm not living without trial.

That said, those things are all okay with me, seeing as there is no cure for awkwardness, being uncoordinated, anxiety, or trials in general. Currently I have 5 bruises, 4 cuts on my hands, 3 scraps on my legs, and a nice long scratch/bruise on my hip to my rib bone from pool ball, I'd say I should win a prize for being a human scab but I don't think that's exactly an achievement I'd like to place on my resume. I'm me, just with a fantastic new attitude and outlook on life: Onwards and Upwards my friends! (:

My ward is great. My jobs are great. My new classes seem awesome. (Side note: I am so excited to be a Special Education Teacher. Not a lot of people get to say that they love going to class each day because they have found a major and career path that truly makes them happy, but I am proud to say that I can, and I LOVE saying it.) I feel like I'm living in complete bliss. 

After a period of trials and a summer of recovering, everything is falling into place, and all I can do is smile. I am so grateful! God has blessed me with so much: a new apartment with great roommates, in a wonderful new ward full of loving people, two great paying jobs so I could earn money while still in classes, a scholarship to enable me to pay for school mostly by myself, all the while save money for a car, friends to keep me sane/(a bit crazy too), a class schedule with all my necessary courses that worked out perfectly with no wait lists to worry about, and of course family that continues to support me even though I'm what seems to be like a million miles away.

The new semester has given me a sense of a new beginning. I'm taking all opportunities handed to me, within my means of course. I'm trying new things, and keeping up with the old as well. I'm meeting new people, and being social. I'm diving head first into what feels like my freshman year all over again, which is probably because I was a group leader of New Student Orientation. I'm not going to let my trials get in the way of what I want to be my best year at the Y yet! 

In summary, I've been too darn happy to be able to write a blog. It's hard to sit still when all I want to do is go out and be busy with all that is going on in life, away from this laptop screen. Hopefully some of my happiness radiates from this blog and rubs off on each of you! 

Wow, this has to be one of my least sarcastic entries yet. Enjoy it while it lasts. I'm sure the sarcasm will return soon.

Here's to the happiness that is a new school year!

Staying True here in the Bubble,

Xoxo

Confidence Boost

Umm hey, I just kicked this last 6 weeks' TRASH. Yeah. I'm a little proud of myself, so what?! I think I did quite a bit that deserves commending. I mean I proved that I could work 2 jobs, take classes, and still have a crazy fun summer. Though, that's not all I did, I grew in the process. The biggest changing being the fact that...
I am confident.

I'm not saying that I wasn't confident to begin with, I've always have had enough to keep me from getting trampled. Buuuut I've always been a little too nice, and the last 6 months, I was knocked down to a sliver of confidence holding me together. I knew that things were going to get better, even when every inch of my body wanted to give up. Even when I was in a bad place, I still knew that things weren't going to be like this always. I was confident enough to hold on to that tiny bit of hope that eventually, I was going to get through the trial, get over my emotions and feel better.

I simply wanted it to be right then, as fast as possible because the pain was unbearable. I was miserable. I was kicking myself for things that were out of my control, and blaming myself for things that weren't my fault. My confidence and self-respect was pretty shot. But with some help, I've been able to find that light at the end of the tunnel and look at myself in a different light.

I am strong. I am able to get up every day and smile because I'm excited about what the new day has to offer. I love going to school and work, hanging out with my friends. I hate not having plans and sitting at home in bed. I don't avoid things in fear that they'll bring back memories. I don't run from my emotions. I take every day head on and face it all with a smile.

I am independent. Not entirely of course, many people have helped support me through this trial. Though, I've shown myself that I can do so much on my own. I can walk to work, to campus, to the grocery store, to EVERYWHERE. I love walking. I can pay for things on my own, even school! I can make my own decisions. It's possible to be happy and single! I haven't been single, for more than a couple of months, in years. I've always been dating someone, so this adjusting to the single life thing, has been an eye opener. (6 months!)

I am beautiful. I've always felt decently comfortable in my own skin, but I really was wearing tee shirt and jeans for a while; I would only dress up sometimes. Sure, I still love my ratty tees and jeans, but now, I enjoy wearing dresses, skirts and outfits which make me feel feminine! I feel comfortable wearing yoga pants and leggings, which I've never been able to do. Plus, I don't find the little flaws on my face bothersome. I'm not wearing make up at all now-a-days. I don't do my hair, I just let it air dry or throw it up in a pony and call it good. I love being able to look in the mirror and say, "I love my body." Not many girls are able to tell themselves that, so I consider myself blessed to feel secure with my image. Sure, I've lost some weight, got a decent tan and am in pretty good shape now, but that's not it. I just feel healthy and happy with the way I look, bruised legs and stupid pimples included.

I am worth it. I deserve more than I give myself credit for. That's hard to say without feeling a tad bit selfish but I know that it's true. I can't let myself get taken advantage anymore. If I want to be valued, then I need to expect to be valued and desire equal treatment from those whom I value and respect. Relationships can't be one sided anymore. I can't let someone get away with treating me like I'm less than I am. That's not okay. I am me; I'm not a big deal or famous, but I'm special and a daughter of God. I deserve respect and kindness, I should accept nothing less.

I love feeling this sense of confidence, it makes me happy. Though, happy isn't the right word. There is no other way to describe the way I feel. It's like this light or warmth, that seems to bubbles up inside me, causing me to smile and laugh. It gives me energy to get up and go every day. To seek out things to do or try. To enjoy every moment of my day. To look to make new friends. To go outside my comfort zone. To feel okay enough to date again, to actually let myself have feelings for guys and feel vulnerable again. To be Me.

I still have my bad days or hard moments, but I am able to get through them and smile later. I've learned so much and have grown. I will admit that I'm not completely healed, but I'm getting there with every day. I refuse to go back to that miserable girl who just worked and didn't hang out with her friends. The girl who was depressed and cried all the time. I am taking all that life has to offer and living it with trials, bad days, and tears included.

I'm becoming the person that God wants me to be. He knows me. I'm finally realizing that He was right, I can/could handle this. He didn't let this heartbreak happen because He wanted me to hurt. He just has something, someone, better in store. He wanted me have the opportunity to grow and become better for that person. He wanted me to be able to find myself again. Trials are tricky little things, you've just got to see how you're going to be better because of them in the end. I'm finally understanding it all as my heart heals. He gave me wonderful people to help me through this, along with his grace. I am loved.

I'm am confident, strong, independent, beautiful, worth it and loved. I am me. And I couldn't be happier with that fact.



Stay True (: xoxo

Homesick

I came here to say that I'm am terribly homesick. And I don't mean like, "Oh I wanna go home, college is hard. waaah." No, I'm completely self-sufficient thank you. Independence is not a problem. I just miss home. California. Family, Friends, sunshine, ocean, good Mexican food, Dutch Bros., Giants games, Lake Tahoe, drives out on the country back roads blasting my music, the sunsets, THE SUNFLOWER FIELDS. I miss it all so much. (Especially Sunflower Fields, I miss the rows upon rows of those tall beauties)

All I want is to go home, jump in the car and blast my music while driving down the country roads with a stomach full of either food from the taco truck or a home cooked meal with my family, sipping Dutch and cruise towards the sunset until it settles down over the fields. That sounds completely ideal to me right now instead of playing "Utah Weather Roulette."

The last few times I've been home either haven't been long enough, I've had company to entertain or the days have been jammed packed with a time frame to get stuff done and before I knew it I was back on a plane out of there. I want to go home for no reason other than to be home to spend time with the ones I love and to relax. Not have to worry about school, work, running into people everywhere I go, appointments, dating, making plans. I just want to be home to be home!

Weird how I miss Woodland so much when I so desperately wanted to get out of there. I love living here in Utah for school and work, with all my new friends. It really is great, and I'm not trying to convince myself of that, I promise. It's the truth.

I'm just in need of a good visit back to lift my spirits even higher. I haven't been able to find a ride or cheap enough airfare to get home for a weekend now that classes are over and before Fall semester starts. I don't have a car, and haven't been able to find a feasible ride, so I'm stuck in the bubble. Bleh.

I don't think I'll be going home for Thanksgiving. Christmas Break is super short this year so I'll only get two weeks. And then next year, I'll be here all Spring and Summer, finishing up my program before I go into Student Teaching or an Internship (Or even a study aboard HOPEFULLY). I'm going to be graduating college before I know it...AHH.

So yes, there I said it. I would like to go home as soon as possible. I miss it much.

In other news, I have one more final before summer classes are over! I cannot wait for Fall Semester. Tomorrow, I am doing some hardcore prep for it: Buying my books, stocking up on groceries, a cleaning spree of my room, it's going to be good! I have the whole day off tomorrow, besides taking my final, and I'm going to take advantage of that time to get stuff done, plus go play Frolf, Frisbee Golf, with some friends. You have to make time for the fun things in life :)

If you find a magic way to transport me to CA free of charge, let me know! I'm so down for any mode at this rate as long as I get to go home for a bit. Or if anyone wants to just take a road trip, let me know!

Pardon Me

Recap: My birthday was fantastic! I had such a great time celebrating my two decades and ringing in a new year with my friends and even some (sorta) family! I was busy the whole weekend and exhausted by the end of it. It was wonderful; I felt so loved and special! I'm so grateful for all those who helped make me feel that way and made my day great. Thank you!

Moving forward to something that's been bothering me for a while now, I keep getting the question "What do you like to do?" Followed up with the phrase "Besides work." OR I keep getting the statement "You work too much." "You're too busy." "Do you ever have free time?" "Let's work around your schedule since you're soooo busy."

It's one thing for my friends to be joking with me because yes I am busy! But when people say this with no sense of sarcasm or lighthearted tone in their voice, it bothers me. Not because their correct or because I get offended, but mostly because I wish they would be like "YAY, go you! You're being successful and doing well." "Wow, good for you!" I take these comments as "Why do you do that to yourself?" "Why be so busy?" "You're crazy."

Well let's hash out somethings shall we? Pardon me for my rash words, I'm just a tad bit worked up about it all seeing as my last blog I explained what trials I've been going through...

1. Like I've said before, I THRIVE in busy. I'm better when I have plans. I like to be busy and be taking every free moment doing something with my time whether it be school, work, tennis, hanging with friends or going on a run, etc. Schedules are good with me. I like having free time to be lazy and just make up plans on the fly, sure. But I enjoy NOT spending my summer sitting in my apartment all day and then just going out with my friends that evening, that's not my style. I like to have a packed week and a slow, rested Sunday. I enjoy having two jobs and school, plus all my extra activities. SUE ME for enjoying every moment of my day/week.

2. New Chapters = New Outlooks. After a rough few months of kicking myself, being depressed, anxious and straight up miserable, I decided that I was tired of being brokenhearted and I was going to do all the things that make me happy again. I DID SOMETHING about the way I was feeling. I took a new outlook on life, I don't think that deserves to be looked down upon. Doing things that make me happy, how terrible!? WRONG, that should be encouraged. Happy things for me include school, work, tennis, ukulele, meeting people, hanging with friends and most recently DATING. (I actually really like going on dates, as odd as that may seem) I keep a busy schedule because that also makes me happy. Being occupied keeps me on my A-game since I really do thrive at having a packed schedule. This new outlook of striving to do things that make me happy, has me doing well.

I am showing to myself that this new chapter in my life I so reluctantly wanted is a good thing, and that's the truth. Staying busy with all these things I loved to do once before and am just picking up again, is really having a positive impact on my health in all aspects: spiritual, mental, physical and emotional. I'm doing better than I have been in a while. I'm playing tennis again, I'm making good money, classes are going well, I started running, I'm active in my Ward, I have LOST weight, I'm playing softball for the first time in years, I'm playing my uke again, I'm making new friends and doing tons of fun things! Life is great, and that's the truth. Nothing fake or forced about it. Busy = living life to the fullest!

3. It is not anyone's place to tell me I'm living my life in a bad way. No one gets to say I work too much or that I need to scale down, besides me. I'm doing the best I can, and the only way I know how to. I've always gone 100mph. It's just how I work. The moments that I do slow down, I cherish them. Those moments are my favorite. I know when I need a break, and I know when I need to slow down. I don't need a traffic cop to regulate my speed, I can handle myself. I promise. I'm an adult and I've been doing this busy business since I could walk. I mean this in the most sincere way possible, I really can do this and negativity really doesn't do me any good.

Best thing anyone can do is CHEER ME ON. I rather get commended for living crazy than be brought down about it. I'm proud of myself and that's all that matters, sure. However, it never hurts to get a little encouragement from those whom I surround myself with. And hey, instead of bashing my schedule try to keep up, promise you won't get bored. My crazy life is always interesting, and fun. Really, it is. I love life. I'm still having hard days, and some passing thoughts, but that's okay because those are just true things.

The TRUTH is that I'm loved. I'm beautiful. I am confident! I'm doing fantastic in all that I have going on. I'm going to my dream school. I'm busy doing all these happy things that I love! I have an amazing family and wonderful friends. I am a Daughter of God. I am so much more than a hard day and a few negative feelings. Negative thoughts don't come from God, so they aren't true!

Go me! I'm twenty! Classes are over! Softball tournament is so close, I can smell the new t shirt! I've got a nice tan from my summer of tennis. Finals end Wednesday. I'm going to be a New Student Orientation Leader. I'm going to buy my Parachute concert tickets this week, and a ROC pass. PLUS I'm looking at going to see Bastille in October. (So many good bands come to UT, so little money!) Oh and I think I've found a 5k that I want to sign up for. Life is great, I love it (:

My Little Black Rain Cloud

Many of you know that I've been going through a lot emotionally and mentally, all the while keeping up with two jobs, three classes, a softball intramural team, training for a future 5k, a fun social life and most recently actually going on dates (yay! progress!)

Though, many of you also know me well enough to know that I THRIVE in busy. If I'm too busy to sit down and watch a few episodes of my favorite show, then it's been a good day. I might get stressed, and if I forget to eat some where in between one thing and the other I'm kind of the worst, but I LOVE BUSY. I love having a purpose. I love having a schedule. I love having plans. I love love love not having free time. Weird, right? Silence, sitting still, being bored...that makes me anxious. There is always something/someone I can listen to, something I can do or someone to occupy my time. I go 100 mph or not at all.

My life is a ball of crazy, but again...I LOVE IT.

But moving forward, I've come to the realization, with some help, that at first I was doing all of these things for the wrong reasons. I was going nonstop as a coping mechanism in order to run from my feelings that wouldn't go away. Feelings that had been sticking around for a little too long. Being busy 24/7 was a way to focus on something other than feeling the way I was. It was sorta miserable.

Well I'm writing to tell you that I'm not doing that anymore, at least not as much (it's a day to day thing). I was putting on a happy face because that was what I was telling myself was the best way of handling my unfortunate event. I would just stay super busy so I wouldn't be able focus on anything but the craziness that was going on outside my brain. No one would worry about me, and the feelings would go away. As you can imagine, that didn't work out too well. All of those feelings caught up with me a few weeks ago, I've had to do something about them and now, I'm here telling you my new plan of action.

New plan: I am taking those feelings and not letting them define me. They aren't me, they are simply part of me. They aren't permanent, they go away. Instead of letting this rain cloud engulf me, I'm acknowledging it, letting the rain fall, and waiting for the sky to clear up. I might get a little wet, and it might suck for a bit but it's NOT PERMANENT. The sun always comes out and good things come from rain, eventually. I am not my feelings. I am Jensen feeling feelings. That's okay.

I'm staying busy because those things that have ultimately consumed my life make me HAPPY. Plus, I had been putting off things that make me happy for about two years and that's not okay. Tennis, ukulele, softball, my friends, even family, making extra time for my studies, running, work. I am taking all of these things which I love and are necessary and giving them my all. Without the things I value in my life, what is there? And why do them just to avoid thinking bad thoughts? Do them for FUN! Because they make me HAPPY. Sure, they sure do help release stress and negative energy, but I gain positive energy and thoughts from them. 

So to sum it up, I was sad, and still am sometimes. I was living a crazy life because it helped me focus on things other than my feelings. Though feelings demand to be felt and they caught up with me. I hit the bottom only to find that I needed to get back on a path to make my way to the top again. I'm living crazy because I'm good at it, it makes me happy and I'm being successful! I'm letting my feelings come as they please, and I'm feeling them because not feeling them is not okay.

But hey, don't worry about me everyone. Giving up was/is never an option for Ms. Jensen Leigh. I have too many people looking up to me, proud of me and so many that would love to see me fail. I got to prove the good ones right and the wrong ones wrong. And most importantly, I have to prove to myself that I can do it. That's all that matters.

God doesn't give hard trials to those who He doesn't think can handle it. Apparently, He has a lot of faith in me. Just have to restore the faith in myself I guess!

To end: My favorite author once wrote, "Pain demands to be felt." And now that I'm doing that, "I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend." Oh John Green, why'd you have to make a character like Augustus Waters? I'm in love with fictional character from a book. Blaaah. My life, everyone. Never dull.

Staying True here in the Bubble. xoxo

Note to Self

Note to Self: Don't stand over the AC vent on the floor if you're wearing a skirt and there is even the slightest chance that someone will turn the air on. You will pull your own personal Marilyn Monroe and everyone will laugh at you, whether they saw your spandex or not.

Note to self: You can't sleep without a blanket. Remember that the next time you fall asleep wearing a sweatshirt. You will wake up dying of heat exhaustion and dehydration. Protip: Keep a bottle of water next to your bed.

Rule #3940: If you really like a boy, act like a normal person. Get over your nerves and SPEAK. English is your first language, don't resort to gibberish. You can use your words, SPIT IT OUT.

Warning: Whenever you feel there is any pressure, your voice goes up like seven octaves. Whether it be when you are at work, talking in class or even to a boy. You sound like a little girl again. It's a little annoying.

Note to self: Hit the tennis ball, not your knee with your tennis racket.

Note to self: You're a cute girl. But when your mascara leaves you with raccoon eyes in the morning and you forget about it, your cute factor gets turned down a few notches. Protip: Wash your face before your early morning work shifts, or at night.

Warning: Your hair doesn't dry well if you sleep on it. Unless you want to look like Alfalfa, take a shower in the morning.

FYI: Doors open 'Push' mean you have to PUSH them, not pull. There will be someone watching you as you try to open or exit said door and they will awkwardly try not to laugh at you but you will still hear their snort.

Note to self: Most artificially colored candies, desserts or foods will leave your mouth stained a certain color. Refrain from eating said items on dates.

Beware: Apparently you look younger than you are or you are attractive to minors. EFY boys will pass you and give you the "Call me" sign. Smile, keep your disgusted face to yourself and walk, or run, away.

Note to self: Cinder block walls are not your cuddle buddy. They are not forgiving when you smack your head into them in the middle of the night. They could care less if you silently curse them as you try to get comfortable again. Protip: Turn over and hug your pillow, it won't cuddle you back but at least it is soft.

Rule #2385: Don't attempt something that you can't 100% guarantee you won't screw up and make a fool of yourself, especially in front of people you barely know or that you are trying to impress.

Warning: Your razor is sharp. If you oversleep on Sundays before church, don't shave your legs. You will either take too long and be verrrry late to church, or you will try to shave too fast and cut yourself a dozen times. Your legs covered in cuts and bandages looks just as bad as a little stubble.

Note to self: Jensen, face it. You're awkward. You're a clutz. You're a hot mess sometimes. The Universe is sometimes out to get you. But that's okay. Someone will love you for all your quirks one day. Then all will be right in the world. If you're lucky, you'll get someone that is just as awkward as you. Then you can laugh at each other and compare bruises. Oh, life.

Oh, I wonder what you are all thinking....My last few weeks have been crazy so I thought I'd share some wisdom with you but also a little insight into the things that make my life so much more interesting. Pictures are from my trip home! (:


25 days til my birthday!!!!!!!! Not that I'm excited or anything....

Joys of Name Tags

My favorite question: "Your name is Jensen?" "Is that your last name?" "Where'd that come from?" "If that's your first name, is your last name Jensen, too?"

Wearing a name tag for both my jobs makes this question a daily occurrence. Customers often take a glance and have to do a double take and proceed to ask about my name. Or some of the guys think they are being smooth pick up on it and use it as an ice breaker. But I really like it when people ask about my name.

It only bothers my when people ask if it's "REALLY MY NAME" because no, it's just my fake name? Of course it is REALLY my name. Or if they ask "Did you put your last name on your name tag?" Because no. Just no. Moving on, I really enjoy it when people notice my name because I've really taken ownership of it because of how unique it is!

So yes, my name is Jensen. It's my first name. It is spelled J-E-N-S-E-N, not Jenson, or Jensin, or Jensun, or even Jensyn. I don't really have a cool story behind my name other than my mom really liked it. I was going to be named Sarah but Sarah and my last name would have sounded like "Sour Kraut" so that wasn't going to happen. Yes, I like my name. I have three last names in my full name if you were curious. I only shorten it when I meet people randomly that I know I'll never see again, or for the Jamba Juice employees because I can't stand getting different spelling variations or the wrong name entirely. I don't think Jensen sounds like Allison but hey, that's cool! As long as I get my Jamba, I'm a happy girl.

Anyways, I felt like this was kind of a fun thing to address just because I get it all the time now, working both my jobs. More so at Rita's because people are so friendly (mostly) when they come in. In case you didn't know, Rita's tag line is: Ice Custard Happiness. And it is just that.

I love my name. It's different, a last name, unique and definitely a conversation starter. I guess I got lucky, I've got a built in ice breaker for conversations! I'm kidding, sorta.

Tomorrow, I go home for Colton's graduation! Can't wait to see my fam and all of my friends. Also, I CANNOT WAIT FOR Dutch and Taco Truck goodness. Oh how I miss California Mexican food, excuse me..,I miss Woo-Town's Mexican Food. It's a breed all its own.

I'm as happy as a clam. Life is beautiful with all its ups, downs and quirks. I love it  (:

New Countdown: 45 days til my BIRTHDAY/No longer a teen!

Right Where I Need to Be

So what a crazy last few weeks. Let me just give you all a quick update on my recently insane life!

I went to LA to visit Adriana over Memorial Day weekend. It was a blast. I loved seeing UCLA and meeting her friends. We went to California Adventure which was just the best. We went dancing and shopping which, what kind of a girl's weekend is it if you don't have those two things?! It was just what the doctor ordered for my high stress of a life: A break from the craziness of life here in Provo. It was grand.

This past week was jam packed with things. I played Pool Ball (combination of basketball, and water polo for those whom are really into it) for the first time with my ward at our complex's pool. I got totally sunburnt/tan! I went to Seven Peaks with my Pass of All Passes and that was just great. I learned I really need to get a pair of board shorts if I'm going to ride all those slides! My friends and I also had Panda Panda night, where you eat Panda Express and watch Kung Fu Panda of course. Come on, get with the program y'all ;) I kid.

I walked to the grocery store, bought the entire contents of said store it seemed, walked home and a nice girl helped me carry them to my apartment. Oddly enough, we had met previously to her helping me! I watched an outdoor movie with people from my ward out on the grass of our complex. Up! Forgot how cute that movie is.

And lastly, to top of all the craziness....I GOT A SECOND JOB! I had two job interviews and went with the first offer. I'm now working at a place called Rita's. They do Italian Ice and Custard, and other wonderful, yummy desserts. It is so much fun! My friends showed up on my first day to cheer me on and on my second day, they showed up to tell everyone I deserved a raise. I'm so lucky to have such great, and goofy friends (:

That about sums up all that I've been up to. It's been so tiring but so worth it. My feet hurt 100% of the time, I'm functioning on like 5hrs of sleep most days and naps are my new best friend but it's so great. This last week, I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

My social life may get a little bit skimmed down a bit seeing as I'll be working most evenings now; however, that just means more money that I'm saving and more money that I'm making! Plus, I'm making new friends at my new job. The Rita's girls are so sweet, and not just because they are covered in sugar from all the ice we're all scooping. I'm looking forward to this new adventure.

If I'm going to start this whole new chapter in my life that I was given, might as well just dive head first into all that is crazy, good, late-night, tiring, money-making, sunburning, delicious, and college.

Last night, Alex, Demi and Stallz came into Rita's just as I was about to get off and took me home. Alex's jeep doesn't currently have the top on so we were blasting tunes and dancing all around with the wind in our hair just being crazy. I took a moment, tilted my head back and just looked at the dark sky. And just said to myself  "Wow. Look how drastically your life has changed. But it's okay. You are right where you need to be."

I might still be partially hurting inside, I may have good days and bad days, and I may still have thoughts that I hate having, but I am so blessed. I whine about all the bad things that happen, but I really need to start being more grateful and kill that negative attitude because that's what keeps bringing me down. Those trials I'm still facing, those are just a side effect to being human. They are minuscule in the scheme of life. All that happiness that has doubled in my life, that is what matters. I am blessed. I am lucky. I am loved. I am beautiful. I'm young. I am having fun. I am happy.

I'm right where I need to be. In little old, Provo. AKA The Bubble. (: One day, I will be able to look back and say "Okay, it all makes sense now."


HOMEWARD BOUND IN 10 DAYS (:

Who I am

Hello there, my name is Jensen. If you know me well enough, you'll call me Jay. If you know me really well, you're allowed to call me Jay-Bird. If you're the lady at Jamba Juice, you're going to know me as Jenn. Spell my name wrong and I'm likely to hold a grudge. I'm kidding, sorta.

I'm barely an adult, but act like I'm 3 years older than I am at times. People guess my age and they are wrong 75% of the time. Though, I'm young at heart. I attend BYU and am studying Special Education with a Mild and Moderate emphasis, and a minor in Teaching English Language Learners. I'm aspiring to be a teacher that will make a difference in the lives of children whom need a good educator the most.

I'm a Mormon. A convert of 4 years and counting. I might not drink coffee but I love caffeine. I'm the best designated driver you've ever met. I love the Scriptures even though I have the hardest time understanding them. And I love to see the Temple, the Sacramento Temple to be specific. I'm a flaw on the verge of perfection.

I'm of average size, though my feet are small. I can never find my shoe/pant/shirt size or anything in the right fit when I shop because it seems like everyone else in the world is the same shape as me. Brown hair that likes to turn blonde in the sun. Eyes that can be dark brown, hazel, green or even have a few spots of turquoise. My finger nails are always painted when I'm not working with food. I hate my eyebrows but they are always shaped. I have a slight lisp, two white spots on my front teeth, my teeth are smaller than my large gum line and my jaw really sucks, but smiling is my favorite.

I'm a world traveler looking for new adventures. I obsess over the stars and the moon. I could live by the ocean in a heart beat, but love the fresh air of the mountains. I grew up in farm town in a valley and love me some good country music any day. Give me the sun, but dancing in the rain is my favorite. I'm terrified of the dark and being alone at night because of a creepy man that once broke into my house while I slept. I'm scared easily but will watch a thriller movie, whenever. Oh and I'm sarcastic, very sarcastic. It's genetic.

I'll play you in a pick up game of baseball on the spot. Hand me a tennis racket and I'll ace your...butt. Though, I'm sure I'll find the one hole on the field or the single crack on the court, trip and fall on my face. I play the ukulele as a way to release stress and my feelings. I sing, but not for anyone else's ears. I take too many pictures of me making stupid faces. I can't draw to save my life, but I'm creative, and can cook decently well for a college student. I love being the host of any party and feeding people. My friends and family are my life, I'd do anything for them.

I love making friends. Unless you lie to me, I'll be your friend through thick and thin. I don't like liars. I keep promises and I hold others to theirs. I'm a listener always, and talker in social settings. Not a party animal but I sure know how to have fun and make myself look like a fool. If you don't feed me, you'll hate me because I'm not very nice; hypoglycemia is my weakness, along with stress.

I have anxiety issues and OCD tendencies. I'll tell you how I'm really feeling but also let you walk all over me because I'm too nice.Those who know me best, know that I'm not kind of person that says things that I don't mean. I'm not hard to please, but the way to my heart is by doing some "grand gesture," or something so I know you're sincere, and in this friendship/relationship for the long run. I'm an optimistic realist. I cry too much. But I also laugh and giggle about the same amount.

I wear make up when I have time. The same two rings are on my hands at all times. Jeans and a t-shirt is my outfit of every day. I wear a lot of colorful clothing with patterns that will make your head hurt. I'll dress up for you if you give me a reason, but high heels are my worst enemy. I buy men's sweats/sweatshirts because they are so much more comfortable.

I live simply because life is already too complicated.

I'm Jensen Leigh. All of those things make me, but I am so much more. I am me, for me and no one else. Take it or leave it. But if I do say myself, I'm pretty freaking amazing so I would take me as I am. Did I mention I'm confident? I'm confident in my flaws and all. Those little things that some people would say are ugly or a hardship, make me who I am and they are a struggle some days, but life is something you have to take one day at a time. I love me and my wonderful life  (: #StayTrue


P.S. This blog was for no one but myself. I decided to publish it because it's kinda fun, and I'm sure half of you didn't know most of these things.

Because I'm Happy

Sometimes you have to take a step back, to take a step forward. You have to be selfish, take your time out and when you're ready, get back out there from your spot on the bench and go play ball (: Okay, maybe life isn't like a baseball game really at all, but it sure feels like it sometimes and I desperately want to go to a game so it's all I can think about...OKAY?

Moving forward though, I can honestly say I'm feeling so happy. Finals sort of killed me, I wasn't stressed about them at all but I should have been. I was more stressed about moving, which was a good reason to be stressed. Though finals are over and moving has been figured out, I'm now in Midway with my family for some much needed R&R and time away from "the bubble" of what is the happiest city in the nation. I love it here.

I read an article of why you should travel after well...let's just put it out there, a break-up. It may have been a Buzzfeed article and sometimes those are just crap, but this one was right on point. I may only be up the Provo Canyon a few thirty minutes or so, but the change of scenery gave me a place to clear my mind of all that was going on in "that world" so I could focus on "my world."

I've distanced myself. I can focus on me. I'm able remind myself how much I really do love life. I'm able to gain new perspective after being away from all that is Provo. I've reminded myself what I deserve, and what I need to be successful. I'm definitely able to regain focus because I have nothing to worry about. I feel appreciated surrounded by those whom can't get rid of me because they're my family (Sorry guys, you're stuck with me). I'm making fun new memories. I've found inspiration (Blog alone should be proof). I'm appreciating home cooked meals, and meals that aren't made at The Wall. I've found myself, and what makes me happy, again. I've fallen in love with the beauty of the world all over again, and the feeling of my own happiness. Happiness, I created within myself. My only worry being how to turn the pages of my book with wet finger nail polish. #FirstWorldProblems

Of course I couldn't have done it alone, so many friends and family have been there for me, always. Also, Heavenly Father who just listened to me over and over again ask Him to help me get over those awful feelings, and I did. I'm honestly happy and content with my feelings. I'm so grateful for Him, and all my loving friends and family that have just been so supportive and caring. Especially, those whom brought me treats and let me impose on them many a time so I didn't have to be alone.

I've gotten to that point that they've all told me about, the point where it does get better. It took a long time, but I knew it would. I've gotten to the point where I can say I feel okay. I'm smiling. I'm playing tennis. I'm staying out too late. I'm going out with my friends. I'm writing my blog. I'm reading. Snapchatting way too much. I'm serving other people. Painting my nails. I'm doing things that make ME happy because it's what I want to do. I'm selfish and I don't care. I'm happy. I love it.

I've been faithful in reaching out to Heavenly Father for peace. I've gone through everyday no matter how good or bad I was feeling. I've done things that I enjoy, with people I love. I feel amazing for being me, focusing on me, enjoying being me. Staying True (:
Because, as my ringtone would say or Mr. Pharrell Williams will tell you, I'm happy.

It's my last night out here in Midway, and my friends (which I need to start calling them that instead of my "coworkers") are coming out here to hang out. What a great way to end a wonderful trip. All my family, and (some) of my friends in one place for a night. Just what I need (:

27 days til my next traveling adventure to LA and I couldn't be more stoked!

I've Decided

After just, going-going-going the last few weeks trying to keep myself distracted, I've finally hit a wall and my immune system has taken a toll. And of course because of this, I'm feeling pretty low and sick. It's real fun. (Sarcasm) I feel like I was building up so much positive energy just to fall flat on my face, and the hit square one spot on the Life game board, again. I really don't like it. Oh and did I mention finals are in a week? *Hits face with palm* Pray for me.

I've decided I am sad. No other way to put it. I am trying so hard, by running around like a mad woman, doing all of my homework, staying at work longer than I need to, hanging out with my co-workers, going to any church activity that I can attend, calling my mom constantly because I know if anyone will pick up the phone it'll be her, so I can just have someone to talk to while I walk home or to class. I feel pathetic. AND I HATE IT.

But it's okay.

Instead of running from it, I've accepted it. It's okay.

Like my "Another Time" blog, I know it's going to get better and instead of running from my feelings and pushing them away, I need to accept them, feel them and stop hiding them. It's making me exhausted, (physically, mentally, and emotionally), sick, and ultimately feel worse.

It's okay to be this way, and be sad. People can deal with my tears, and I can too. I can have bad days and good days. I can eat ice cream or eat a salad. I can go play tennis or be a couch potato. I can stay home or go out with my friends. Whatever makes me feel good, whatever I can do.

I've been trying too hard to be better too fast and it's not working. I tried getting over the feelings by talking to new people and putting myself out there, definitely way out of my comfort zone. Taking a few steps back, I'm hanging out with my amazing friends that I already have and enjoying my time with them. I tried staying healthy and not eating out but all I wanted was pizza the other night so I bought a pizza. I tried staying busy all the time, only to have a night to myself which I didn't want initially, but it ended up being a blessing so I could rest. I couldn't get to one of my classes because I didn't sleep at all that night, instead of being miserable for the rest of the day, I missed it so I could rest. All I want is to have my family and friends from home with me. But I call and text them, and they are there for me.

I do what I can, with what I have, where I am. And that is what Mr. Teddy Roosevelt would have me do. It's hard. But I can do hard things. I may not want to do this hard thing, but I've been faced with it. So I will.

I will keep my head above water just for a little bit longer, finals are almost here. Then I can finally have a break from treading water in this crazy semester and hopefully be able to just float on through the next few months. I have so much to look forward to, even though I desperately don't want to spend my summer here in Utah anymore. I'll stick to my plan though and push forward and accept my feelings for what they are. One day at a time, moving forward. Even though it may seem like I'm going backwards some days. And I may still not want this. I just have to remember, it will get better. Because I've decided that it will.



*Disclaimer, I love life. I really do, it simply is hard right now. I never saw these trials coming, and it seems like one thing after another right now. Thankfully, I have some really wonderful friends that are helping tremendously by making sure that I have company, someone to talk to, and things to keep me busy when I have down time. (And also rides so that I don't have to use my pepper spray on the Provo Groper when he's lurking around at night, because those of you who know me well, know that I am terrified of being alone at night.) I really haven't expressed how grateful I am for them, they've helped so much even though it feels like some days I'm progressing and others I'm really not. You guys are great, near and far. I've got some good ones by my side.*

Back to Old Habits

Okay, so my last/first blog in a while was sort of a downer. I had been really debating posting it, and maybe I shouldn't have. But hey. Isn't the internet full of that kind of stuff? Things that no one should have posted, said, written, etc. Why not add my overwhelming feelings into the mix? Heck, it's my blog anyways. I needed it. It may not have made everything better, but it sure did alleviate some of that pain.

Moving forward, I'm back to working too much, sending way too many snap chats, staying out late with friends, having jam sessions with the uke and making slightly poor decisions. Poor decisions meaning going to bed super late, procrastinating homework and spending money on things like Cafe Rio and Concert tickets, because I CAN. I'm going to Red Yeti, a friends band, on Friday. And going to Andy Grammar on April 15th. I'm quite excited for both. As my roommates said, "I'm being 19." If this is 19, it's quite fun.

I'm doing just fine in my classes, relatively speaking. It's sorta been hard to focus, and I may have completely bombed a test because well the circumstances at the time, but hey! C's get degrees? Not the mentality I want to have, but one of my Religion Classes is killing me, and I'm trying my best, but it's not really working out for me. At this point, a C would be fine, but a B- would be great. Two more weeks in the semester, CANNOT WAIT TO BE DONE.

Work is work. I work 20 hours a week, and smell like french fries or pizza all the time but whatever. I'm making $$, kinda sorta, not really. It may cause me a lot of stress, but I really do love my job. The people are great, and the atmosphere is fun. I am really blessed that it worked out as well as it did.

I'm back to going to Gym Kids. It was something that brought me so much joy, and made the bad days much more bearable so it's been very helpful. I've been going on Thursdays, when there aren't as many kids but they are just as fun. I've been making friends there, with the other volunteers. I've also gained a new "boyfriend," one of the kids. His name is C. He's probably about eight and has down syndrome. He likes to pretend like he's in some kind of action movie, he's a great dancer, and likes to pretend like I'm his girlfriend and defend my honor! It's quite fun. Every day I get there and I get a great big hug from C, and he'll kiss my hand at the end of the hour of play. He's just the cutest! I'm slowly remembering how much I really love this career path I've chosen. I was beginning to forget through all the stress.

In trying to cope, I've got all kinds of countdowns going:
2 Days til General Conference and a breakfast party with my coworkers!
16 Days til my Family comes to Visit UT
49 Days til my LA trip to see my BEST FRIEND and Parrtyyy it up.
69 Days til I go home for a week for Colton's graduation!
113 Days til my 20th Birthday!

Gotta have something to look forward to (: Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming...I have keep my head above water, and lose those waterworks. Remind myself why smiling is my favorite (:

Another Time

Copying the format from a blog post I read, from my cousin. This is me sharing to you, my readers of a very neglected blog, my recent feelings. In no way am I trying to do anything, but allow myself to heal and express my emotions and thoughts in a way more creative than eating said feelings:

Sometimes things don't go as planned.
The lovely path you were walking, gets hard to navigate, then ends
To leave you lost and at your lowest low
Feeling frightened and abandoned but you keep going.

Sometimes you lose,
You try your hardest to be your best
But things keep you from doing so,
And you are forced to surrender, even though you try to refuse.

Sometimes you just hurt,
Feeling broken, you suffer through the pain.
You go on with a smile, trying so hard.
All you feel is the pang and tears in swollen eyes, wanting it so badly to go away.

Sometimes you feel completely alone
With no one to comfort you through this moment
Then people whom you never thought really cared
Care a whole lot, and make sure you know.

Sometimes you have to let yourself be loved
Allow others to care, help and comfort you.
Because you can't do it all by yourself, no matter how hard you try
You need company other than your own aching heart and thoughts.

Sometimes you just have to make yourself be happy,
Throw some color at your friends, and go third wheel on Tinder dates at 1am.
You eat 6 Krispy Kreme donuts in a night and binge watch Psych.
But no one is judging you, in fact they are highly encouraging you.

Sometimes it still stings,
And all you do rewind, to think of ways you could fix it, because that's all you want.
You mull over the reasons that you don't understand, and still don't have
But you keep going, along that undiscovered path.

Sometimes you have to wait.
And wait and wait, for the answer as to why this unwanted trial is occurring
You have to rely on the Lord, his timing and his reasoning.
Trust that everything will be better in time.

Sometimes it's hard, it's so dang hard.
To get up in the morning, and not go through the same loved, taken for granted routine.
But you accept it, seeing not the hope that you once had that it will get fixed, and all will go back to "normal,"
Letting yourself feel loved, through the pain and lack of sleep.
You know that, though you wish it would all go back,
It'll get better, with time, patience, and a lot of comfort food.
Going on with the only the promise that it won't get better at once, or even a few weeks from now,
But it will with time, another time though, just not now.

Sometimes you may not know what the future has in store anymore,
You just keep on going with that promise in tow,
Day by day, you keep on moving along.
A smile, a tear, a hug, a twinge of pain away from being better.

This beautiful picture was taken by a friend, for a photography final. 

Her subject of choice was Empowered Women.