I've decided I am sad. No other way to put it. I am trying so hard, by running around like a mad woman, doing all of my homework, staying at work longer than I need to, hanging out with my co-workers, going to any church activity that I can attend, calling my mom constantly because I know if anyone will pick up the phone it'll be her, so I can just have someone to talk to while I walk home or to class. I feel pathetic. AND I HATE IT.
But it's okay.
Instead of running from it, I've accepted it. It's okay.
Like my "Another Time" blog, I know it's going to get better and instead of running from my feelings and pushing them away, I need to accept them, feel them and stop hiding them. It's making me exhausted, (physically, mentally, and emotionally), sick, and ultimately feel worse.
It's okay to be this way, and be sad. People can deal with my tears, and I can too. I can have bad days and good days. I can eat ice cream or eat a salad. I can go play tennis or be a couch potato. I can stay home or go out with my friends. Whatever makes me feel good, whatever I can do.
I've been trying too hard to be better too fast and it's not working. I tried getting over the feelings by talking to new people and putting myself out there, definitely way out of my comfort zone. Taking a few steps back, I'm hanging out with my amazing friends that I already have and enjoying my time with them. I tried staying healthy and not eating out but all I wanted was pizza the other night so I bought a pizza. I tried staying busy all the time, only to have a night to myself which I didn't want initially, but it ended up being a blessing so I could rest. I couldn't get to one of my classes because I didn't sleep at all that night, instead of being miserable for the rest of the day, I missed it so I could rest. All I want is to have my family and friends from home with me. But I call and text them, and they are there for me.
I do what I can, with what I have, where I am. And that is what Mr. Teddy Roosevelt would have me do. It's hard. But I can do hard things. I may not want to do this hard thing, but I've been faced with it. So I will.
I will keep my head above water just for a little bit longer, finals are almost here. Then I can finally have a break from treading water in this crazy semester and hopefully be able to just float on through the next few months. I have so much to look forward to, even though I desperately don't want to spend my summer here in Utah anymore. I'll stick to my plan though and push forward and accept my feelings for what they are. One day at a time, moving forward. Even though it may seem like I'm going backwards some days. And I may still not want this. I just have to remember, it will get better. Because I've decided that it will.
*Disclaimer, I love life. I really do, it simply is hard right now. I never saw these trials coming, and it seems like one thing after another right now. Thankfully, I have some really wonderful friends that are helping tremendously by making sure that I have company, someone to talk to, and things to keep me busy when I have down time. (And also rides so that I don't have to use my pepper spray on the Provo Groper when he's lurking around at night, because those of you who know me well, know that I am terrified of being alone at night.) I really haven't expressed how grateful I am for them, they've helped so much even though it feels like some days I'm progressing and others I'm really not. You guys are great, near and far. I've got some good ones by my side.*
