Friday, April 25, 2014

Because I'm Happy

Sometimes you have to take a step back, to take a step forward. You have to be selfish, take your time out and when you're ready, get back out there from your spot on the bench and go play ball (: Okay, maybe life isn't like a baseball game really at all, but it sure feels like it sometimes and I desperately want to go to a game so it's all I can think about...OKAY?

Moving forward though, I can honestly say I'm feeling so happy. Finals sort of killed me, I wasn't stressed about them at all but I should have been. I was more stressed about moving, which was a good reason to be stressed. Though finals are over and moving has been figured out, I'm now in Midway with my family for some much needed R&R and time away from "the bubble" of what is the happiest city in the nation. I love it here.

I read an article of why you should travel after well...let's just put it out there, a break-up. It may have been a Buzzfeed article and sometimes those are just crap, but this one was right on point. I may only be up the Provo Canyon a few thirty minutes or so, but the change of scenery gave me a place to clear my mind of all that was going on in "that world" so I could focus on "my world."

I've distanced myself. I can focus on me. I'm able remind myself how much I really do love life. I'm able to gain new perspective after being away from all that is Provo. I've reminded myself what I deserve, and what I need to be successful. I'm definitely able to regain focus because I have nothing to worry about. I feel appreciated surrounded by those whom can't get rid of me because they're my family (Sorry guys, you're stuck with me). I'm making fun new memories. I've found inspiration (Blog alone should be proof). I'm appreciating home cooked meals, and meals that aren't made at The Wall. I've found myself, and what makes me happy, again. I've fallen in love with the beauty of the world all over again, and the feeling of my own happiness. Happiness, I created within myself. My only worry being how to turn the pages of my book with wet finger nail polish. #FirstWorldProblems

Of course I couldn't have done it alone, so many friends and family have been there for me, always. Also, Heavenly Father who just listened to me over and over again ask Him to help me get over those awful feelings, and I did. I'm honestly happy and content with my feelings. I'm so grateful for Him, and all my loving friends and family that have just been so supportive and caring. Especially, those whom brought me treats and let me impose on them many a time so I didn't have to be alone.

I've gotten to that point that they've all told me about, the point where it does get better. It took a long time, but I knew it would. I've gotten to the point where I can say I feel okay. I'm smiling. I'm playing tennis. I'm staying out too late. I'm going out with my friends. I'm writing my blog. I'm reading. Snapchatting way too much. I'm serving other people. Painting my nails. I'm doing things that make ME happy because it's what I want to do. I'm selfish and I don't care. I'm happy. I love it.

I've been faithful in reaching out to Heavenly Father for peace. I've gone through everyday no matter how good or bad I was feeling. I've done things that I enjoy, with people I love. I feel amazing for being me, focusing on me, enjoying being me. Staying True (:
Because, as my ringtone would say or Mr. Pharrell Williams will tell you, I'm happy.

It's my last night out here in Midway, and my friends (which I need to start calling them that instead of my "coworkers") are coming out here to hang out. What a great way to end a wonderful trip. All my family, and (some) of my friends in one place for a night. Just what I need (:

27 days til my next traveling adventure to LA and I couldn't be more stoked!

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

I've Decided

After just, going-going-going the last few weeks trying to keep myself distracted, I've finally hit a wall and my immune system has taken a toll. And of course because of this, I'm feeling pretty low and sick. It's real fun. (Sarcasm) I feel like I was building up so much positive energy just to fall flat on my face, and the hit square one spot on the Life game board, again. I really don't like it. Oh and did I mention finals are in a week? *Hits face with palm* Pray for me.

I've decided I am sad. No other way to put it. I am trying so hard, by running around like a mad woman, doing all of my homework, staying at work longer than I need to, hanging out with my co-workers, going to any church activity that I can attend, calling my mom constantly because I know if anyone will pick up the phone it'll be her, so I can just have someone to talk to while I walk home or to class. I feel pathetic. AND I HATE IT.

But it's okay.

Instead of running from it, I've accepted it. It's okay.

Like my "Another Time" blog, I know it's going to get better and instead of running from my feelings and pushing them away, I need to accept them, feel them and stop hiding them. It's making me exhausted, (physically, mentally, and emotionally), sick, and ultimately feel worse.

It's okay to be this way, and be sad. People can deal with my tears, and I can too. I can have bad days and good days. I can eat ice cream or eat a salad. I can go play tennis or be a couch potato. I can stay home or go out with my friends. Whatever makes me feel good, whatever I can do.

I've been trying too hard to be better too fast and it's not working. I tried getting over the feelings by talking to new people and putting myself out there, definitely way out of my comfort zone. Taking a few steps back, I'm hanging out with my amazing friends that I already have and enjoying my time with them. I tried staying healthy and not eating out but all I wanted was pizza the other night so I bought a pizza. I tried staying busy all the time, only to have a night to myself which I didn't want initially, but it ended up being a blessing so I could rest. I couldn't get to one of my classes because I didn't sleep at all that night, instead of being miserable for the rest of the day, I missed it so I could rest. All I want is to have my family and friends from home with me. But I call and text them, and they are there for me.

I do what I can, with what I have, where I am. And that is what Mr. Teddy Roosevelt would have me do. It's hard. But I can do hard things. I may not want to do this hard thing, but I've been faced with it. So I will.

I will keep my head above water just for a little bit longer, finals are almost here. Then I can finally have a break from treading water in this crazy semester and hopefully be able to just float on through the next few months. I have so much to look forward to, even though I desperately don't want to spend my summer here in Utah anymore. I'll stick to my plan though and push forward and accept my feelings for what they are. One day at a time, moving forward. Even though it may seem like I'm going backwards some days. And I may still not want this. I just have to remember, it will get better. Because I've decided that it will.

*Disclaimer, I love life. I really do, it simply is hard right now. I never saw these trials coming, and it seems like one thing after another right now. Thankfully, I have some really wonderful friends that are helping tremendously by making sure that I have company, someone to talk to, and things to keep me busy when I have down time. (And also rides so that I don't have to use my pepper spray on the Provo Groper when he's lurking around at night, because those of you who know me well, know that I am terrified of being alone at night.) I really haven't expressed how grateful I am for them, they've helped so much even though it feels like some days I'm progressing and others I'm really not. You guys are great, near and far. I've got some good ones by my side.*

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Back to Old Habits

Okay, so my last/first blog in a while was sort of a downer. I had been really debating posting it, and maybe I shouldn't have. But hey. Isn't the internet full of that kind of stuff? Things that no one should have posted, said, written, etc. Why not add my overwhelming feelings into the mix? Heck, it's my blog anyways. I needed it. It may not have made everything better, but it sure did alleviate some of that pain.

Moving forward, I'm back to working too much, sending way too many snap chats, staying out late with friends, having jam sessions with the uke and making slightly poor decisions. Poor decisions meaning going to bed super late, procrastinating homework and spending money on things like Cafe Rio and Concert tickets, because I CAN. I'm going to Red Yeti, a friends band, on Friday. And going to Andy Grammar on April 15th. I'm quite excited for both. As my roommates said, "I'm being 19." If this is 19, it's quite fun.

I'm doing just fine in my classes, relatively speaking. It's sorta been hard to focus, and I may have completely bombed a test because well the circumstances at the time, but hey! C's get degrees? Not the mentality I want to have, but one of my Religion Classes is killing me, and I'm trying my best, but it's not really working out for me. At this point, a C would be fine, but a B- would be great. Two more weeks in the semester, CANNOT WAIT TO BE DONE.

Work is work. I work 20 hours a week, and smell like french fries or pizza all the time but whatever. I'm making $$, kinda sorta, not really. It may cause me a lot of stress, but I really do love my job. The people are great, and the atmosphere is fun. I am really blessed that it worked out as well as it did.

I'm back to going to Gym Kids. It was something that brought me so much joy, and made the bad days much more bearable so it's been very helpful. I've been going on Thursdays, when there aren't as many kids but they are just as fun. I've been making friends there, with the other volunteers. I've also gained a new "boyfriend," one of the kids. His name is C. He's probably about eight and has down syndrome. He likes to pretend like he's in some kind of action movie, he's a great dancer, and likes to pretend like I'm his girlfriend and defend my honor! It's quite fun. Every day I get there and I get a great big hug from C, and he'll kiss my hand at the end of the hour of play. He's just the cutest! I'm slowly remembering how much I really love this career path I've chosen. I was beginning to forget through all the stress.

In trying to cope, I've got all kinds of countdowns going:
2 Days til General Conference and a breakfast party with my coworkers!
16 Days til my Family comes to Visit UT
49 Days til my LA trip to see my BEST FRIEND and Parrtyyy it up.
69 Days til I go home for a week for Colton's graduation!
113 Days til my 20th Birthday!

Gotta have something to look forward to (: Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming...I have keep my head above water, and lose those waterworks. Remind myself why smiling is my favorite (:

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Another Time

Copying the format from a blog post I read, from my cousin. This is me sharing to you, my readers of a very neglected blog, my recent feelings. In no way am I trying to do anything, but allow myself to heal and express my emotions and thoughts in a way more creative than eating said feelings:

Sometimes things don't go as planned.
The lovely path you were walking, gets hard to navigate, then ends
To leave you lost and at your lowest low
Feeling frightened and abandoned but you keep going.

Sometimes you lose,
You try your hardest to be your best
But things keep you from doing so,
And you are forced to surrender, even though you try to refuse.

Sometimes you just hurt,
Feeling broken, you suffer through the pain.
You go on with a smile, trying so hard.
All you feel is the pang and tears in swollen eyes, wanting it so badly to go away.

Sometimes you feel completely alone
With no one to comfort you through this moment
Then people whom you never thought really cared
Care a whole lot, and make sure you know.

Sometimes you have to let yourself be loved
Allow others to care, help and comfort you.
Because you can't do it all by yourself, no matter how hard you try
You need company other than your own aching heart and thoughts.

Sometimes you just have to make yourself be happy,
Throw some color at your friends, and go third wheel on Tinder dates at 1am.
You eat 6 Krispy Kreme donuts in a night and binge watch Psych.
But no one is judging you, in fact they are highly encouraging you.

Sometimes it still stings,
And all you do rewind, to think of ways you could fix it, because that's all you want.
You mull over the reasons that you don't understand, and still don't have
But you keep going, along that undiscovered path.

Sometimes you have to wait.
And wait and wait, for the answer as to why this unwanted trial is occurring
You have to rely on the Lord, his timing and his reasoning.
Trust that everything will be better in time.

Sometimes it's hard, it's so dang hard.
To get up in the morning, and not go through the same loved, taken for granted routine.
But you accept it, seeing not the hope that you once had that it will get fixed, and all will go back to "normal,"
Letting yourself feel loved, through the pain and lack of sleep.
You know that, though you wish it would all go back,
It'll get better, with time, patience, and a lot of comfort food.
Going on with the only the promise that it won't get better at once, or even a few weeks from now,
But it will with time, another time though, just not now.

Sometimes you may not know what the future has in store anymore,
You just keep on going with that promise in tow,
Day by day, you keep on moving along.
A smile, a tear, a hug, a twinge of pain away from being better.

This beautiful picture was taken by a friend, for a photography final. 
Her subject of choice was Empowered Women.