Monday, August 18, 2014

Confidence Boost

Umm hey, I just kicked this last 6 weeks' TRASH. Yeah. I'm a little proud of myself, so what?! I think I did quite a bit that deserves commending. I mean I proved that I could work 2 jobs, take classes, and still have a crazy fun summer. Though, that's not all I did, I grew in the process. The biggest changing being the fact that...
I am confident.

I'm not saying that I wasn't confident to begin with, I've always have had enough to keep me from getting trampled. Buuuut I've always been a little too nice, and the last 6 months, I was knocked down to a sliver of confidence holding me together. I knew that things were going to get better, even when every inch of my body wanted to give up. Even when I was in a bad place, I still knew that things weren't going to be like this always. I was confident enough to hold on to that tiny bit of hope that eventually, I was going to get through the trial, get over my emotions and feel better.

I simply wanted it to be right then, as fast as possible because the pain was unbearable. I was miserable. I was kicking myself for things that were out of my control, and blaming myself for things that weren't my fault. My confidence and self-respect was pretty shot. But with some help, I've been able to find that light at the end of the tunnel and look at myself in a different light.

I'm strong. I am able to get up every day and smile because I'm excited about what the new day has to offer. I love going to school and work, hanging out with my friends. I hate not having plans and sitting at home in bed. I don't avoid things in fear that they'll bring back memories. I don't run from my emotions. I take every day head on and face it all with a smile.

I'm independent. Not entirely of course, many people have helped support me through this trial. Though, I've shown myself that I can do so much on my own. I can walk to work, to campus, to the grocery store, to EVERYWHERE. I love walking. I can pay for things on my own, even school! I can make my own decisions. It's possible to be happy and single! I haven't been single, for more than a couple of months, in years. I've always been dating someone, so this adjusting to the single life thing, has been an eye opener. (6 months!)

I'm beautiful. I've always felt decently comfortable in my own skin, but I really was wearing tee shirt and jeans for a while; I would only dress up sometimes. Sure, I still love my ratty tees and jeans, but now, I enjoy wearing dresses, skirts and outfits which make me feel feminine! I feel comfortable wearing yoga pants and leggings, which I've never been able to do. Plus, I don't find the little flaws on my face bothersome. I'm not wearing make up at all now-a-days. I don't do my hair, I just let it air dry or throw it up in a pony and call it good. I love being able to look in the mirror and say, "I love my body." Not many girls are able to tell themselves that, so I consider myself blessed to feel secure with my image. Sure, I've lost some weight, got a decent tan and am in pretty good shape now, but that's not it. I just feel healthy and happy with the way I look, bruised legs and stupid pimples included.

I'm worth it. I deserve more than I give myself credit for. That's hard to say without feeling a tad bit selfish but I know that it's true. I can't let myself get taken advantage anymore. If I want to be valued, then I need to expect to be valued and desire equal treatment from those whom I value and respect. Relationships can't be one sided anymore. I can't let someone get away with treating me like I'm less than I am. That's not okay. I am me; I'm not a big deal or famous, but I'm special and a daughter of God. I deserve respect and kindness, I should accept nothing less.


I love feeling this sense of confidence, it makes me happy. Though, happy isn't the right word. There is no other way to describe the way I feel. It's like this light or warmth, that seems to bubbles up inside me, causing me to smile and laugh. It gives me energy to get up and go every day. To seek out things to do or try. To enjoy every moment of my day. To look to make new friends. To go outside my comfort zone. To feel okay enough to date again, to actually let myself have feelings for guys and feel vulnerable again. To be Me.

I still have my bad days or hard moments, but I am able to get through them and smile later. I've learned so much and have grown. I will admit that I'm not completely healed, but I'm getting there with every day. I refuse to go back to that miserable girl who just worked and didn't hang out with her friends. The girl who was depressed and cried all the time. I am taking all that life has to offer and living it with trials, bad days, and tears included.

I'm becoming the person that God wants me to be. He knows me. I'm finally realizing that He was right, I can/could handle this. He didn't let this heartbreak happen because He wanted me to hurt. He just has something, someone, better in store. He wanted me have the opportunity to grow and become better for that person. He wanted me to be able to find myself again. Trials are tricky little things, you've just got to see how you're going to be better because of them in the end. I'm finally understanding it all as my heart heals. He gave me wonderful people to help me through this, along with his grace. I am loved.

I'm am confident, strong, independent, beautiful, worth it and loved. I am me. And I couldn't be happier with that fact.



Stay True (: xoxo


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Homesick

I came here to say that I'm am terribly homesick. And I don't mean like, "Oh I wanna go home, college is hard. waaah." No, I'm completely self-sufficient thank you. Independence is not a problem. I just miss home. California. Family, Friends, sunshine, ocean, good Mexican food, Dutch Bros., Giants games, Lake Tahoe, drives out on the country back roads blasting my music, the sunsets, THE SUNFLOWER FIELDS. I miss it all so much. (Especially Sunflower Fields, I miss the rows upon rows of those tall beauties)

All I want is to go home, jump in the car and blast my music while driving down the country roads with a stomach full of either food from the taco truck or a home cooked meal with my family, sipping Dutch and cruise towards the sunset until it settles down over the fields. That sounds completely ideal to me right now instead of playing "Utah Weather Roulette."

The last few times I've been home either haven't been long enough, I've had company to entertain or the days have been jammed packed with a time frame to get stuff done and before I knew it I was back on a plane out of there. I want to go home for no reason other than to be home to spend time with the ones I love and to relax. Not have to worry about school, work, running into people everywhere I go, appointments, dating, making plans. I just want to be home to be home!

Weird how I miss Woodland so much when I so desperately wanted to get out of there. I love living here in Utah for school and work, with all my new friends. It really is great, and I'm not trying to convince myself of that, I promise. It's the truth.

I'm just in need of a good visit back to lift my spirits even higher. I haven't been able to find a ride or cheap enough airfare to get home for a weekend now that classes are over and before Fall semester starts. I don't have a car, and haven't been able to find a feasible ride, so I'm stuck in the bubble. Bleh.

I don't think I'll be going home for Thanksgiving. Christmas Break is super short this year so I'll only get two weeks. And then next year, I'll be here all Spring and Summer, finishing up my program before I go into Student Teaching or an Internship (Or even a study aboard HOPEFULLY). I'm going to be graduating college before I know it...AHH.

So yes, there I said it. I would like to go home as soon as possible. I miss it much.

In other news, I have one more final before summer classes are over! I cannot wait for Fall Semester. Tomorrow, I am doing some hardcore prep for it: Buying my books, stocking up on groceries, a cleaning spree of my room, it's going to be good! I have the whole day off tomorrow, besides taking my final, and I'm going to take advantage of that time to get stuff done, plus go play Frolf, Frisbee Golf, with some friends. You have to make time for the fun things in life :)

If you find a magic way to transport me to CA free of charge, let me know! I'm so down for any mode at this rate as long as I get to go home for a bit. Or if anyone wants to just take a road trip, let me know!


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Pardon Me

Recap: My birthday was fantastic! I had such a great time celebrating my two decades and ringing in a new year with my friends and even some (sorta) family! I was busy the whole weekend and exhausted by the end of it. It was wonderful; I felt so loved and special! I'm so grateful for all those who helped make me feel that way and made my day great. Thank you!

Moving forward to something that's been bothering me for a while now, I keep getting the question "What do you like to do?" Followed up with the phrase "Besides work." OR I keep getting the statement "You work too much." "You're too busy." "Do you ever have free time?" "Let's work around your schedule since you're soooo busy."

It's one thing for my friends to be joking with me because yes I am busy! But when people say this with no sense of sarcasm or lighthearted tone in their voice, it bothers me. Not because their correct or because I get offended, but mostly because I wish they would be like "YAY, go you! You're being successful and doing well." "Wow, good for you!" I take these comments as "Why do you do that to yourself?" "Why be so busy?" "You're crazy."

Well let's hash out somethings shall we? Pardon me for my rash words, I'm just a tad bit worked up about it all seeing as my last blog I explained what trials I've been going through...

1. Like I've said before, I THRIVE in busy. I'm better when I have plans. I like to be busy and be taking every free moment doing something with my time whether it be school, work, tennis, hanging with friends or going on a run, etc. Schedules are good with me. I like having free time to be lazy and just make up plans on the fly, sure. But I enjoy NOT spending my summer sitting in my apartment all day and then just going out with my friends that evening, that's not my style. I like to have a packed week and a slow, rested Sunday. I enjoy having two jobs and school, plus all my extra activities. SUE ME for enjoying every moment of my day/week.

2. New Chapters = New Outlooks. After a rough few months of kicking myself, being depressed, anxious and straight up miserable, I decided that I was tired of being brokenhearted and I was going to do all the things that make me happy again. I DID SOMETHING about the way I was feeling. I took a new outlook on life, I don't think that deserves to be looked down upon. Doing things that make me happy, how terrible!? WRONG, that should be encouraged. Happy things for me include school, work, tennis, ukulele, meeting people, hanging with friends and most recently DATING. (I actually really like going on dates, as odd as that may seem) I keep a busy schedule because that also makes me happy. Being occupied keeps me on my A-game since I really do thrive at having a packed schedule. This new outlook of striving to do things that make me happy, has me doing well.

I am showing to myself that this new chapter in my life I so reluctantly wanted is a good thing, and that's the truth. Staying busy with all these things I loved to do once before and am just picking up again, is really having a positive impact on my health in all aspects: spiritual, mental, physical and emotional. I'm doing better than I have been in a while. I'm playing tennis again, I'm making good money, classes are going well, I started running, I'm active in my Ward, I have LOST weight, I'm playing softball for the first time in years, I'm playing my uke again, I'm making new friends and doing tons of fun things! Life is great, and that's the truth. Nothing fake or forced about it. Busy = living life to the fullest!

3. It is not anyone's place to tell me I'm living my life in a bad way. No one gets to say I work too much or that I need to scale down, besides me. I'm doing the best I can, and the only way I know how to. I've always gone 100mph. It's just how I work. The moments that I do slow down, I cherish them. Those moments are my favorite. I know when I need a break, and I know when I need to slow down. I don't need a traffic cop to regulate my speed, I can handle myself. I promise. I'm an adult and I've been doing this busy business since I could walk. I mean this in the most sincere way possible, I really can do this and negativity really doesn't do me any good.

Best thing anyone can do is CHEER ME ON. I rather get commended for living crazy than be brought down about it. I'm proud of myself and that's all that matters, sure. However, it never hurts to get a little encouragement from those whom I surround myself with. And hey, instead of bashing my schedule try to keep up, promise you won't get bored. My crazy life is always interesting, and fun. Really, it is. I love life. I'm still having hard days, and some passing thoughts, but that's okay because those are just true things.

The TRUTH is that I'm loved. I'm beautiful. I am confident! I'm doing fantastic in all that I have going on. I'm going to my dream school. I'm busy doing all these happy things that I love! I have an amazing family and wonderful friends. I am a Daughter of God. I am so much more than a hard day and a few negative feelings. Negative thoughts don't come from God, so they aren't true!

Go me! I'm twenty! Classes are over! Softball tournament is so close, I can smell the new t shirt! I've got a nice tan from my summer of tennis. Finals end Wednesday. I'm going to be a New Student Orientation Leader. I'm going to buy my Parachute concert tickets this week, and a ROC pass. PLUS I'm looking at going to see Bastille in October. (So many good bands come to UT, so little money!) Oh and I think I've found a 5k that I want to sign up for. Life is great, I love it (: