Thursday, July 10, 2014

My Little Black Rain Cloud

Many of you know that I've been going through a lot emotionally and mentally, all the while keeping up with two jobs, three classes, a softball intramural team, training for a future 5k, a fun social life and most recently actually going on dates (yay! progress!) 

Though, many of you also know me well enough to know that I THRIVE in busy. If I'm too busy to sit down and watch a few episodes of my favorite show, then it's been a good day. I might get stressed, and if I forget to eat some where in between one thing and the other I'm kind of the worst, but I LOVE BUSY. I love having a purpose. I love having a schedule. I love having plans. I love love love not having free time. Weird, right? Silence, sitting still, being bored...that makes me anxious. There is always something/someone I can listen to, something I can do or someone to occupy my time. I go 100 mph or not at all.

My life is a ball of crazy, but again...I LOVE IT.

But moving forward, I've come to the realization, with some help, that at first I was doing all of these things for the wrong reasons. I was going nonstop as a coping mechanism in order to run from my feelings that wouldn't go away. Feelings that had been sticking around for a little too long. Being busy 24/7 was a way to focus on something other than feeling the way I was. It was sorta miserable.

Well I'm writing to tell you that I'm not doing that anymore, at least not as much (it's a day to day thing). I was putting on a happy face because that was what I was telling myself was the best way of handling my unfortunate event. I would just stay super busy so I wouldn't be able focus on anything but the craziness that was going on outside my brain. No one would worry about me, and the feelings would go away. As you can imagine, that didn't work out too well. All of those feelings caught up with me a few weeks ago, I've had to do something about them and now, I'm here telling you my new plan of action.

New plan: I am taking those feelings and not letting them define me. They aren't me, they are simply part of me. They aren't permanent, they go away. Instead of letting this rain cloud engulf me, I'm acknowledging it, letting the rain fall, and waiting for the sky to clear up. I might get a little wet, and it might suck for a bit but it's NOT PERMANENT. The sun always comes out and good things come from rain, eventually. I am not my feelings. I am Jensen feeling feelings. That's okay.

I'm staying busy because those things that have ultimately consumed my life make me HAPPY. Plus, I had been putting off things that make me happy for about two years and that's not okay. Tennis, ukulele, softball, my friends, even family, making extra time for my studies, running, work. I am taking all of these things which I love and are necessary and giving them my all. Without the things I value in my life, what is there? And why do them just to avoid thinking bad thoughts? Do them for FUN! Because they make me HAPPY. Sure, they sure do help release stress and negative energy, but I gain positive energy and thoughts from them. 

So to sum it up, I was sad, and still am sometimes. I was living a crazy life because it helped me focus on things other than my feelings. Though feelings demand to be felt and they caught up with me. I hit the bottom only to find that I needed to get back on a path to make my way to the top again. I'm living crazy because I'm good at it, it makes me happy and I'm being successful! I'm letting my feelings come as they please, and I'm feeling them because not feeling them is not okay.

But hey, don't worry about me everyone. Giving up was/is never an option for Ms. Jensen Leigh. I have too many people looking up to me, proud of me and so many that would love to see me fail. I got to prove the good ones right and the wrong ones wrong. And most importantly, I have to prove to myself that I can do it. That's all that matters.

God doesn't give hard trials to those who He doesn't think can handle it. Apparently, He has a lot of faith in me. Just have to restore the faith in myself I guess!

To end: My favorite author once wrote, "Pain demands to be felt." And now that I'm doing that, "I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, my friend." Oh John Green, why'd you have to make a character like Augustus Waters? I'm in love with fictional character from a book. Blaaah. My life, everyone. Never dull.

Staying True here in the Bubble. xoxo